


State of Grace

by remy71923



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Drama, F/M, Family Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-12-09 13:01:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20995229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remy71923/pseuds/remy71923
Summary: The missing moments from the few days leading up to the Time Heist, and the days after.





	1. Say A Little Prayer

**Author's Note:**

> I originally planned to work on one work that has multiple oneshots of missing moments from the MCU, but I figured the missing moments that are Romanogers-centered needed to be a standalone, so here it is. I will still work on a missing moments work, but I needed to get this one out of my head first since the pain and emotions are still fresh (yes, after months since Endgame was released, it still hurts). So I'm about to share the pain and emotions to you guys, hope it's ok. ;)
> 
> Warning for drama, I guess? But enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01\. The one where Natasha knows.

They’re set to leave in two days.

It was supposed to be tomorrow. They had their respective tasks, and they knew where they would go and which stone they would help to acquire. Tony, Bruce, Steve and Scott were to travel back in 2012 during the Battle of New York to retrieve three stones: the Time Stone, Mind Stone and the Space Stone. Thor and Rocket were tasked to get the Reality Stone in Asgard. Rhodey and Nebula were to get the Power Stone in a planet called Morag, and Natasha and Clint were to get the Soul Stone in a planet called Vormir. The stone was, according to Nebula, unknown in how it was retrieved in the first place. All they knew was Nebula’s sister, Gamora, had died when Thanos retrieved it. It’s what he said before they killed him too, one of his biggest pains—losing his daughter in exchange for the stone, in exchange for his “destiny”.

Natasha isn’t stupid. She can connect the dots on what happened. She figured, at first, the others have too, but when she looked around the room, she knew not even Bruce nor Tony, two of the team’s smartest men, got the gist.

Steve insisted on joining her, but she was adamant in doing this without him. She was fortunate to find out that she has Clint with her, though, a familiar face who loved her just as much as Steve does. A friendly face in an unknown planet. She wanted to be with Steve, of course. But given what she knew, and given that what she knew was still unknown to all of the members in the team...

They can’t afford to leave James alone. One of them had to stay, and if they end up in the planet together, then neither of them might not get back.

Assuming what she inferred was true, of course.

Which is why she asked for a one-day delay of the Time Heist. She needs this. She needs time. She’s ready. She thinks of Wanda, Sam, Bucky, T’challa, Shuri, Laura, Cooper, Lila, Nathaniel, Nick, Maria, Sharon...everyone who had gone because of the Snap. They can wait a day more.

But she can’t. Not if she knows she’s the one running out of time.

She smiles as she leans on the doorframe of James’ room, where he is playing with his toy cars his Uncle Tony had gotten him for his birthday last year. He is murmuring to himself as he moves the car, and she smiles widely when she notices how mussed his red hair is, probably from all the running he’d been doing with Morgan earlier that morning. He’s in his usual khaki shorts and dark blue shirt and he’s still wearing his socks even though he’d been the one to put his shoes back into the rack (a gesture which he learned if it meant getting more kisses and cuddles from his Mommy, to which Natasha, of course, happily gave). He’s sitting on his playmat, and as he turns while he’s pushing the car with his two fingers, his face lightens up when he sees her.

God, she will never get tired of how her boy’s face lights up at the sight of her.

“Mommy!” James exclaims, bouncing up to his feet to make a beeline for Natasha. She leans down and catches him in her arms. Natasha chuckles, pressing a soft kiss on his red mussed hair.

“Hey, little guy,” Natasha greets. “Had fun with Morgan earlier?” James nods and she takes this time to fix his hair and straighten up his clothes. “What are you doing now?”

James shrugs and smiles, his blue eyes sparkling, like how Steve’s eyes sparkle whenever he’s happy. “Just playin’. I was waiting for you and Daddy to come back.” he says, and Natasha tilts her head, smiling.

“Were you, now? Anything in mind, sweetie?” she asks, and James grins, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Can we go out?” he asks excitedly. “And maybe get ice cream too? I’ve been wanting some ice cream, but Auntie Pepper didn’t want to give some to Morgan anymore because she said she has too much sweets, so I didn’t ask anymore because it might make Morgan upset.”

Natasha grins. She’d always love how thoughtful and sensitive her son is. “Alright, little guy, we can get some ice cream,” she relents and James lets out a cheer. “But I think it’s just you and me today. Daddy’s out with Uncle Clint and Uncle Rhodey because they needed to finish something for work.”

“Ice creams with Mommy are the best kinds of ice creams!” he exclaims, and Natasha laughs softly, shaking her head as she wraps her arms around James again, pulling her son closer to her. James happily obliges, flinging his arms around Natasha’s neck and resting his head on her shoulder.

“Kiss Mommy?” Natasha murmurs, and James lifts his head to kiss Natasha’s cheek with a loud sound and she chuckles, pressing a soft kiss on top of James’ head. She closes her eyes and runs a hand on James’ back smoothly. James may be six already, but he’s still Natasha’s little boy. Sure, there are times where he would declare himself as an independent young boy already, but even then, he would always seek for his mother’s cuddles and kisses, and his father’s hand to hold whenever they are out. He’s adorable that way, even as he grows, it seemed like his love for his parents never change, and his need for them only decreases by increments.

Natasha hopes he never grows out of this, but then again, what is the possibility of her seeing him grow up?

Tears start to threaten to fill her eyes, so she forcefully pushes the thought aside. These tears can wait.

“Now come on, get your shoes,” Natasha says, pulling away gently from James who grins up at her, oblivious the thoughts in his mother’s mind. “We don’t want to keep the ice cream waiting for us, don’t we?”

James untangles himself from his mother’s arms to retrieve his shoes from the rack, while Natasha straightens herself and walks over to the bed where James is putting his shoes on. “Mommy, laces.” he says. Natasha chuckles, because for the longest time Steve had been teaching James how to tie a knot, he still can’t get it right. Natasha crouches down and smirks, tying his shoelaces.

“Okay come on, little guy, let’s get moving.” Natasha stands, extending an arm, and James stands, but falls face first.

“Hey!” he exclaims, failing to hide the grin on his face when he realizes that his mother tied both his shoes together.

“What’s wrong with you? I’m worried about you, James.” Natasha gasps exaggeratingly. James laughs, and Natasha grins as she crouches to help her son up on his feet. “What, you can’t walk properly?” Natasha walks over to the door while James is wiggling his feet.

James hops, and Natasha laughs. “Jimmy, what are you, a rabbit?” she asks, and James giggles, hopping towards the front door of his room.

“You tied my laces together, Mommy!” he exclaims. Natasha feigns a gasp and looks down at his feet.

“Oh my, James, did I do that?”

“Yeah!” James giggles.

“Silly me.” Natasha says, grinning as she crouches again and this time, ties the laces of each shoe together. Once done, she straightens herself up and extends a hand to James, who takes it, as they retrieve Natasha’s purse with her wallet and phone inside, and out of their floor.

The day is beautiful. It’s sunny, but not too hot. The people walking along are significantly less, so do the cars that drive and pass by them, a reminder, of course, to the Blip (as people call it nowadays), but it hurts Natasha less now. They’re going to make it right, she  _ knows  _ they will.

Something else hurts Natasha more, and she feels selfish feeling it, but she knows she’s allowed to feel it.

James babbles as they are on their way to the park, as he tells his mother stories of his morning play with Morgan. Natasha listens attentively, asks questions and inserts her comments and banters here and there, anything to make James laugh, anything just so she can hear her little boy’s voice tell  _ more _ stories on top of the stories he’s already telling her. She needs this. She needs  _ more _ time,  _ more  _ of his boy’s presence and laughter and voice because who knows when she’ll be able to listen to it again? Who knows when she’ll be able to bask in her son’s presence again? After their heist, how long will she have to wait just to hold him again?

_ God _ , and the tears are filling her eyes again.

This day is for her and James, and nothing else.

They reach James’ favorite ice cream store, and James bounces up and down on his feet as he peers over the ice cream flavors displayed. “Which one do you want, little guy?” Natasha asks, bending over beside James to look at the ice cream flavor of choices. James contemplates carefully, his blue eyes narrowing, and his tongue sticking out slightly as he inspects the ice cream carefully.

“Chocolate and mint, Mommy!” James grins, pointing his finger against the glass, directly on top of his said ice cream flavor. Natasha grins, it’s literally James’ usual flavor, but of course, he had to take his time to inspect his other options.

“One chocolate and mint,” Natasha orders. “And one strawberry cheesecake, please.”

Natasha pays, and they get their ice cream. Natasha retrieves a few plies of tissue and wraps it around the bottom James’ ice cream cone as he begins to lick on his ice cream. “Park, Mommy?” he asks, looking up at his mother.

“Under our usual tree?” Natasha asks, and James nods. Natasha smiles and nods. “Alright, let’s go.”

James takes Natasha’s hand as they walk over to the park across the ice cream store, both of them happily consuming their ice cream on their way there. Children are playing in the park, their parents lounging in different spots on the grass. Their tree is unoccupied, and Natasha lets go of James’ hand so he can run to their tree. He sits down on the grass and looks up at Natasha, waiting for her to come near.

“We didn’t get to bring our blanket,” Natasha says, sitting down on the grass and resting her back on the tree trunk. “Hope you’re okay with just sitting on the grass, little guy.”

“‘S okay, Mommy,” James says, cuddling beside Natasha. Natasha wraps an arm beside James and pulls him closer to her body. James rests his head on her chest. “Daddy doesn’t bring the blanket too when we go to the park. He always forgets.”

“He forgets, hm?” Natasha asks, smiling, knowing  _ very _ well that Steve doesn’t forget the blanket when he goes to the park with James. He leaves it intentionally because he prefers the feel of the grass under him, as he told Natasha that much as of late. “Well maybe, next time you should remind him so he won’t forget anymore.”

James chuckles and licks his ice cream again. “What’s Daddy doing today, Mommy?” he asks.

She remembers their conversation when they woke up. After their usual lazy morning kisses and cuddling, Steve told Natasha he’d spend the day with Clint, Rhodey and Scott, who all volunteered to help design their Quantum Suits, as what Scott had put it. Steve wanted to oversee the works of it, and Clint and Rhodey just wanted to hang around since Tony, Bruce and Rocket are busy working on the portal they’ll be using in two days.

What was their plan again? They’d be gone for a minute in normal Earth time, but they can take as much as time as they can to retrieve those stones in their respective areas.

“So as long as we’ll see one another after the minute passes, then we’ll be fine.” Scott had explained to them.

A minute seemed short enough, but not for her. Not when she knows the minute will last a lifetime.

“Just a bit of work,” she replies to James, working to keep her voice steady, as she looks down at James with a smile. “He’s out with Uncle Rhodey and Uncle Clint, you remember Uncle Clint, right?”

“Yeah,” James says, smiling. “He has new hair now, right? It looks cool.”

Natasha chuckles. “Do you want that kind of hair soon?” she asks, and James scrunches his nose.

“I don’t want it  _ on _ me, Mommy, that seems silly,” James says, and Natasha laughs. James grins, hearing his mother laugh. “But it looks cool on Uncle Clint. When I grow up, Mommy, maybe I’ll have it.”

_ When I grow up, when James grows up _ . Natasha’s lower lip quivers as she smiles sadly at her son who looks away from his mother to watch the other kids playing.  _ I won’t ever see him grow up.  _ There’s no use in denying it, is there? She won’t, not after their plan, not after retrieving the stones to save the universe. She knows, she  _ knows _ , Clint will fight her so it would be her who will go home, but she won’t allow that. She’s lived her life, and it’s a life that had been beautiful, definitely more than what she’d ever expected to build for herself. Clint hadn’t lived in the last five years, and now it’s time he does.

He deserves the win.

_ But don’t you, too?  _ She looks up at the sky to prevent the tears from filling up her eyes. She swallows it down forcefully and takes a deep breath. She can’t afford to be selfish now, not when the lives of a number of people on this planet and on other planets are at stake as well. She understands that, which is why she’ll be doing this. She understood the plan first, understood what it  _ meant _ to bring everyone back, so she should do it. She  _ should _ .

Steve will understand. James will understand. She understands it very well.

But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

“James,” Natasha nudges her son slightly, and James looks up at his mother, his blue eyes wide as he finishes munching his ice cream cone. She smiles, the best smile she can muster so James wouldn’t see the pain behind her eyes. “Cuddle with Mommy?”

James happily obeys, pushing himself closer to her mother’s side and wrapping his arms around her. He rests his head on her chest, and Natasha rests her cheek on top of his head. She closes her eyes, her lower lip quivering as she allows a few tears to fall from her eyes, just feeling her son’s small body pressed up against her own, his warmth radiating over her. She kisses the top of James’ head. She’s gonna miss this, her cuddling time with her son, her son’s voice, laughter and presence. These dull moments spent with her son just cuddling and hugging and getting ice cream to eat under the tree in their usual spot on the park.

She silently prays, and  _ God forbid _ she never does and never  _ had _ , but right now, she prays to whoever’s listening to her to hear her, just hear her for once. She prays that her little boy will understand, especially when he finds out she’s gone two days from now. She prays he’ll forgive her for not being there when he grows up, when he graduates high school and is off to university, when he gets married and has his own family. She prays he’ll grow up to be strong, and to be loving, and she prays that he’ll know she’ll be watching over him. She prays she’d be  _ allowed _ to watch over him when she goes away.

But most of all, she prays that the hurt she will inevitably inflict on her son when she passes will hurt less as time passes. That, someday, and  _ soon _ , many many years from now, they’ll see each other again, and when they do, they’d be on their favorite spot under the tree on this very park eating ice cream and cuddling. Maybe then he’ll tell her the life he’d lived, and she’d listen.

And maybe then, he’d tell her that he forgives her for leaving him so early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to a sneak peak scene of Taika Waititi's Jojo Rabbit for the shoelaces scene! :) That scene simply melted my heart that I felt the need to put it here as well.


	2. If You Say So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 02\. The one where Steve doesn't know.

It’s late in the evening, and as he exits their bathroom, he finds her sitting on the edge of their bed, drying her hair off with her towel.

He finds an odd similarity of how he once saw her in Sam’s guest bedroom all those years ago after the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., the first time where he saw her crumble, where she admitted to him how afraid she was that her whole life was slipping away from her hands, without actually telling him outright. It was the first time she asked him if he trusted her to save his life, and the first time he admitted to her that he did, that he  _ does _ . He remembers the look of surprise on her face when he said so, and the small smile that lit her face up afterwards.

_ “Well, you seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing.” _ she teased, and he laughed.

_ “Well, I guess I just like to know who I’m fighting.” _ he responded.

He smiles at the memory, and puts the towel back on the rack as he walks toward her on the bed. She looks up and smiles, resuming her task of drying her hair. He rests a hand on hers, and she pauses, giving the towel to him as he dries her hair up with her towel.

“You okay?” he asks softly, and she hums. “Big day tomorrow, hm?”

They’re set to leave tomorrow for the Time Heist, off to different places to retrieve the stones and bring everyone back. It should be simple, he thinks. They’d be gone for a minute in their world, but they can take however long they want to get the stones back, to bring  _ everyone _ back, to undo their defeat. They’d been five years too late, but he supposed it was better to be late than to never make it right.

Natasha doesn’t respond, and when he puts the towel back, he sees her eyes are closed and her eyebrows furrowed. She opens her eyes again when she feels him looking and smiles at him. “Yeah, big day.” she responds quietly.

Steve frowns slightly. “You know, we can always change the plan,” he says. “I can go with you, or you can go with me. We can go in one place together, retrieve a stone together.” He smiles slightly. “Be partners in a mission, just like old times?”

Natasha chuckles, lifting a hand to run through his hair. He smiles and she smiles back. “It’s alright,” she responds. “Someone needs to look after Clint.”

“We can have someone else do it,” he says softly, taking her hand in his and squeezing it. “I’ll tell Tony.”

Natasha shakes her head. “It’s okay, Steve,” she answers softly, and her voice cracks at the end, and he frowns. Natasha notices this, and she gives him a reassuring smile, leaning to press a chaste kiss on her husband’s lips. “Clint and I have each other’s backs, I promise.”

“Okay,” he responds softly, pressing another kiss to her lips, it’s longer than the first one. “But you have to be careful, alright? We don’t know that much about the Soul Stone, and the planet you’re going. Make sure what happened to Nebula’s sister doesn’t happen.”

She frowns again and swallows, but she nods, smiling quickly as if to cover up that expression. “And you have to be careful too. Make sure you don’t get killed by Loki,” she says, smirking. “Would be quite embarrassing if you do, considering we won the first time.”

Steve chuckles, and Natasha smiles. “I’ll try my best,” he says. “You know, after everything, we should get away. Settle down for real on our own, maybe expand our family a bit more.” Natasha laughs quietly, breathily, but it's convincing enough and Steve grins. “I mean it. When we get back, and when we win...not  _ if _ , alright,  _ when _ . When we finally do it, let’s get away.”

Natasha chuckles weakly. “James can have more siblings?” she asks, and Steve nods, smiling.

“Yeah,” he responds softly. He raises both hands to cup her face, his thumbs stroking gently on her cheeks. “Maybe a brother and two sisters.”

Natasha laughs softly, and her eyes start filling with tears. “That’s a lot to ask for, Rogers.” she says softly.

“But I mean it,” he says. Natasha raises her hands to rest on either side of his face, and closes her eyes to rest her forehead against his. “When the dust settles, let’s get away.”

She doesn’t respond, but she sighs shakily, leaning to kiss him on the lips. The kiss is longer, deeper...desperate, even, but he kisses her back. He pulls away when he feels her cheeks are wet, and he wipes them with his thumb.

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly. She shakes her head, but so does he. “Nat, what is it?”

“Nothing,” she answers quietly, and she gives a small smile despite the tears still falling from her eyes. “I just...I just...I miss everyone. Sam, Bucky, Wanda...everyone.” More tears spill from her eyes and she frowns, but Steve is quick to wipe those tears away.

“We’ll get them. We’ll get them back,” he says softly, pressing his lips again on hers. “We’ll get them back tomorrow, alright? Everything will be alright after tomorrow.”

Her bottom lip quivers, but she nods, leaning in to press another kiss on his lips. “Promise me everything will be alright,” she tells him,  _ begs _ him softly. “Promise me, Steve. Whatever happens, everything will be alright. You will be alright, James will be alright.”

“I promise,” he says softly, quickly. “We’ll be alright, me and James. And  _ you _ , too.  _ You _ will be alright too.”

She lets out a small, choked sob, as if it’s something that she’d been holding in, and Steve pulls away, but she pulls him back, and buries her face on his chest. Her sob is tinged with pain, and he can feel it, can feel it with the soak of her tears on his shirt. He wraps an arm around her, pulling her closer to him as he presses a kiss on her head.

“You’ll be alright,” Steve says softly. “We’ll be alright.” He says it like it’s a mantra, feeling the need to assure her, to  _ promise _ her that they'll be alright. “We’ll get them back, Nat, I promise you we will.”

She replies with another sob, and he runs a hand on her back. “I’m scared, Steve,” she says, her voice breaking, as if it’s difficult for her to admit it. “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers. Steve presses another kiss on her head. “It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

She doesn’t respond after that, but her sobs ebb into small hiccups, and her tears stop. She eventually pulls away, but not too far from him. He lifts his hands again and rests on either side of her face, her thumbs stroking her cheeks gently. He gives her a small smile.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, Nat, but I can promise you after tomorrow we’ll be alright,” he tells her softly. “We’ll be whole again, our family. We’ll get Bucky and Sam again, and Clint will get Laura and the kids again.”

Natasha takes a shaky breath, and runs her hands through his hair, resting on the back of his neck. “I need you to promise me something,” she tells him softly, and he nods. “Whatever happens.  _ Whatever _ happens tomorrow, you’ll be happy, okay? You live your life, and you live it happily, and make sure James does too.” She swallows, and a fresh wave of tears fill her eyes again. “Make sure James will be happy, alright? It’s our priority, remember, making him happy? Letting him live a normal life, yeah? Promise me, Steve.”

Steve frowns. Why is she telling him this? What does  _ she _ know that he doesn’t? “Nat, what—”

“Promise me, Steve.” she tells him firmly, her green red-rimmed eyes wide and tinged with indescribable pain and desperation, but he doesn’t know where it’s coming from. Her eyes are sad, pleading, and glistening with unshed tears. She tugs him by the back of his neck gently.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just promise me, Steve, just  _ promise _ me.”

“I don’t understand—”

“Steve,” she says, and her voice breaks, as tears start falling from her eyes again. She buries her face on his shoulder as she lets out a soft cry, but she’s quick to pull herself together again and pull back. “Just promise me. Promise me  _ that _ much, and please fulfill the promise. Make that promise happen.”

Steve feels his heart ache, a longing for something he can’t quite point out, and he feels sick to his stomach, from something he can’t quite point out as well. But nevertheless, he promises. “I promise,” he says softly. “But you have to promise me you’ll be okay too. Promise me that too, Nat.”

She doesn’t respond for a moment, but she takes a deep and shaky breath, and eventually nods. “I’ll be okay,” she tells him softly. “I’ll be okay. It’s okay.”

Steve nods, and decides to hold on to that promise instead, as it quells the sick feeling in his stomach, and the pain in her heart. His hands slowly move down as his arms wrap around her, pulling her closer. He lays back down on their bed, pulling her over him. She presses her lips against his, and he kisses her back fiercely, desperately and passionately. She pulls away gently to rest her head over his heart, where he’s sure she can hear it beating steadily for her.

“I love you, Steve,” she whispers to him like a prayer. “Remember that, okay? I love you.”

“I know,” Steve whispers back, because he does, he knows how much she loves him, he knows and believes in it. “I love you too, Nat. I love you so much.”

He doesn’t know what she knows, or what’s running in her mind, but he can only guess as much. She’s afraid, that much he can tell. She’s afraid for tomorrow, for  _ what _ exactly, he’s not sure. He’s afraid to pry, because if he does, it might just upset her more, and he doesn’t want that. He wants her like this, just contently sighing beside him, cuddled up in his arms. He knows she’s upset still, but right now, as he looks down at her, she seems peaceful, just peaceful in his arms.

He doesn’t know that she was trying to tell her something earlier, that her promise was meant for something greater, something graver. He should’ve listened more, he should’ve. He could’ve done something about it.

But when he realized that, it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished the rest of this work, and let me just say it's just gonna go downhill from here, y'all, but I do promise redemption by the end of this work. But while the redemption ain't there yet, this is all you (read: we) get: more heartbreak.
> 
> Reviews, kudos and comments much much appreciated!


	3. Not Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 03\. The one where Natasha does it.

She’s staring up at Clint, spreading her hands, as if reaching up to him, up to the sky, as his hand grasps her wrists, preventing her from falling. She wants to reach his hand,  _ wants _ to, but she can’t. She doesn’t want to die, doesn’t want to fall, but she  _ has _ to. There’s no other choice, no other way. It  _ has _ to be done. There’s no way it would be Clint, not anymore, not when she got him tied to her harness clinging on the edge of the cliff they both jumped from. It was gonna be her, whatever he does. His hand grasping her wrist is just him delaying it, him denying it.

She doesn’t want to die, of course she doesn’t, so she reaches up in a vain attempt to save herself. But she can’t. It’s done,  _ nearly _ done. All she has to do is push herself off and it’ll be over soon.

And she doesn’t want to delay it any further either. She looks down at the void, and back up at Clint.

“Let me go.” she tells him in a small voice, but all he sees is Clint’s pained expression, his eyes filled with tears.

“No,” Clint’s voice shakes, and tears start falling from his eyes. Oddly enough, it doesn’t fall on Natasha’s face even if she’s directly below him. His grip only tightens. “No, please no.”

His expression hurts her, and tears start filling her eyes too. She imagines the same expression would be on Steve’s face when he finds out, and on James’ face when Steve goes to tell him.  _ James _ , her son,  _ oh _ , her beautiful little boy with his blue wide eyes and red mussed hair that never seemed to settle no matter how many times she fixes it. It hurts her, because in only a matter of seconds, she’d be leaving them forever. But she manages a small smile up at Clint, a small,  _ genuine _ smile, because she instead focuses on the smiles James had given her for the past few days, and all the kisses she shared with Steve.

She remembers what she promised to Steve last night.  _ I’ll be okay _ , she promised, and she will. “It’s okay.” she whispers to Clint, as if she’s also whispering it to her husband and her son.

But Clint’s expression contorts further. He whispers one last time, “Please.”, even if he knew there was no other way she’d let  _ him _ go, even if she knows that despite him not wanting to let her go, she will make him. She takes a moment to stare into his eyes again, the eyes of the man who had saved her and turned her life around, who was patient enough in her recovery and her journey to wipe the red off her ledger. She is thankful for him, and because of this, she owes him her life. Which is what she will be doing.

She takes another brief moment to look beyond her best friend’s eyes and imagine the eyes of her loved ones. Steve and James’ blue eyes that she fell in love with so deeply, and almost too immediately. And even as she kicks against the rock, she still sees and focuses on their eyes, and every inch of fear slowly ebbs away from her. She hears James’ laughter above Clint’s cries, and Steve telling her he loves her in that beautiful, hushed voice only reserved for her, above the wind rushing past her.

Her arms extend, as if reaching for the sky even if she couldn’t. And as Clint gets smaller and smaller from her line of sight, his cries fading out from her ears, the images of Steve and James only magnify, and their laughters just filling in her ears.

She never believed it when people told her that you catch a glimpse of your entire life when you start dying, but now as she feels her body hit the rocks, the back of her head crushing and bleeding, she doesn’t feel pain. She starts gasping, until she feels blood coming out of her mouth, but she still doesn’t feel pain. She doesn’t see where she is either, and she doesn’t feel her body where her bones are now crushed and brittle.

All she sees is Steve smiling at her, tears in his eyes as she walks down the aisle during their wedding day. His blue Dashiki just further bringing out the blue in his eyes. His smile bright and radiant, and his eyes filled with love for her. He waits on her patiently, and she takes her time as she walks.

All she sees is little James in her arms when he was born, his eyes closed, and his lips puckered as his chest rises and falls so quickly, and his red hair mussed and soft under her touch. Her son is beautiful, and ever since he was born, she had always been captivated by him, even when he’s asleep.

All she sees is Steve coming home with a relieved smile on his face after a mission. She even feels him kiss her forehead, the tip of her nose, both of her cheeks and on her lips. She feels it  _ now _ , which is maybe why she feels no pain, because she can only feel her husband’s arms around her as she feels the life slowly draining out of her.

All she sees is James grinning up at her with his usual chocolate mint ice cream slowly melting in his hands. She can hear him laugh when she points it out. She hears his melodic laughter  _ now _ , which is maybe why she can’t feel the ringing in her ears as her hearing begins to fade along with her life, because she can only hear her son’s sweet and beautiful laughter filling her already dying body.

All she sees is them, happy and whole and healthy. She sees them living a beautiful life, with James growing up to be a happy man like his father, strong, handsome and compassionate. She sees Steve reuniting happily with Bucky, Sam and Wanda. She sees their smiles, hears them laugh, and they’re so beautiful. So, so beautiful.

It’s true, after all, when they said that when you’re dying, you’re given a few moments to watch your life unfold in front of your eyes. She has lived a life, and it was beautiful, it was better than the life she had expected herself to have. She’s thankful for it, thankful for this moment where she can watch it, thankful to see her husband and her son one last time before she closes her eyes for real and forever.

She feels her mouth quirking upward, her heart fluttering so weakly but strong enough to let it register in her now hazy mind, and it’s the last thing she feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say downhill from here, right? Right.
> 
> Not Good is the title of the instrumental composed by Alan Silvestri in the Endgame soundtrack. It's a bittersweet track, and every time I listen to it, I still cry.
> 
> Anyway, reviews, kudos and comments much appreciated!


	4. Failure of A Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 04\. The one where Steve found out.

Something’s wrong. He can feel it.

And it’s not just because they made the mistake of  _ not _ retrieving one stone in 2012 and instead travelling back to the ‘70s. It’s not because he thinks their mistake  _ may  _ have led to an alteration of two timelines. No, it’s not that. It’s something deeper than that,  _ worse _ even, and he can’t quite point out what, and it’s  _ killing _ him, making him sick to the stomach like he wants to puke.

“You alright, Cap?” He sees Tony approaching him carefully, the briefcase containing the stone in his hand. He sighs and nods.

“Yeah, yeah, just…” he trails off, and Tony tilts his head, as if unconvinced. “Are we good, time to go?”

“Yeah, I think I got enough closure now with the old man,” he says, looking back at the car that had driven off. He lets out a sad smile. “Got to tell him what I couldn’t, but not exactly that, you know what I mean?”

Steve nods, even though he doesn’t, not exactly, because he didn’t catch what he was trying to say, too busy with the  _ weird _ feeling in his stomach, and the urgency to go back. “Alright, let’s go.” he says, and Tony nods. They nod at each other before pressing the button, and he feels his body compressing again, as he and Tony travel back in the quantum realm. Within a few seconds, they’re back— _ all _ of them are back on the platform, and for a second, he thought it worked, that everyone is here and everyone is alright.

For a  _ second _ , he doesn’t see.

And as he looks at his left, he knows where that sick feeling came from. She’s not there. Clint is there, but she’s not. Natasha’s not there.

And his heart starts hammering inside his chest, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak, to ask where she is. He stares at the empty space beside Clint, Clint who looked drenched, destroyed, defeated, despite his fist clenched, knowing the stone they came to retrieve is in there. He stares, as if willing her to  _ be _ there, to appear there. He stares, and waits, because any time she’s going to appear. She’s going to come back.

But she doesn’t, and it only made him sicker.

He wanted to ask, wanted to  _ demand _ where she is. Clint falls to his knees, and everyone’s attention is on him. Bruce was the one to ask, “Clint, where’s Nat?”

But he doesn’t respond, his mouth turning down, and his eyes spilling tears on his cheeks. He gulps before looking at Steve, as he feels his own eyes stinging with tears, his chest constricting and his heart aching. He feels like he’s floating, like somehow his soul or a  _ huge _ part of his soul had left his body. He looks at Clint, and his eyes are communicating what neither of them,  _ none _ of them can say.

Natasha’s gone.

Steve feels his legs giving out, as he hears a loud thump, a combination of his knees falling on the platform and Bruce punching the floor. Steve doesn’t even hear himself let out a loud cry, let alone hear his own sobs. He doesn’t feel Tony and Rhodey coming up to him and wrapping their arms around him. He doesn’t hear their soothing words, encouraging him to get up. He is deaf to his own surroundings, numb to the others’ movements around him, blind to the looks the team is giving him.

All he hears, all he sees, and all he feels is Natasha’s absence.  _ Permanent _ absence.

Her smile, her laugh, the feel of her arms around him, and the feel of her lips on hers. Gone. They’re gone.  _ She’s _ gone.

And everything else that follows seems like a blur. He’s unable to move on his own, much less able to  _ think _ in his own head. He thinks his brain is unable to comprehend anything else, much less the fact that his wife is gone, the love of his life, his partner, his best friend, the mother of his son is gone.

And  _ God _ , how was he gonna tell James?

The next thing he knows they’re over at Tony’s cabin, down by the area on the lakeside. He barely registers Tony sitting him down on one of the benches, barely registering Clint’s murmured apologies that had been running and running over and over again since they got back. They’re talking about a funeral, a funeral for her. Tony’s starting it, rambling about a proper service even without her body, and he figured maybe it’s his way of coping. Talking. It’s how he would cope to Natasha’s death, maybe, keeping herself busy. Nobody else talks, nobody else responds, but Tony keeps on talking. Bruce is throwing rocks, the sound of it hitting the lake barely reaching Steve’s ears as well.

“What?” Steve looks up and finds Thor walking to them, looking at Tony and Steve. It was only then that Steve had realized Tony asked him a question, something about a funeral.

“Huh?” Tony asks, and Thor struggles to get words out of his mouth, probably asking why they were all acting this way,  _ this _ way, grieving. “I just asked him a question.”

“Yeah, and you’re acting like she’s dead,” he says nonchalantly,  _ in denial,  _ even, if Steve was being honest. He closes his eyes as more tears fall from his eyes. “Why are we acting like she’s dead? We have the stones, right? As long as we have the stones, Cap, we can bring her back.” Steve’s bottom lip quivers as he bows his head, his eyebrows furrowing as more tears start to fall. He wishes, he  _ wishes _ Thor was right, that they can bring her back, but he knows, he just  _ knows _ he isn’t.

She’s never coming back.

“Isn’t that right? So stop this  _ shit _ . We’re the Avengers, get it together.”

“We can’t get her back.” Steve looks up, as Clint lets out the words that  _ he _ himself cannot say. Thor is breathing heavily, as if he couldn’t believe someone had contradicted what he just said.

“What?” Thor asks, shaking his head, as tears fill his eyes as well. Steve watches him, his vision blurring as well as he slowly feels the pain creeping up in his chest, the  _ anger _ welling up inside him.

“It can’t be undone,” Clint says quietly, looking at Thor. “It can’t.” He shakes his head and looks away.

And then Thor starts laughing, and Steve takes a deep breath. “No, no, I’m sorry, no offense,” he says. “But you’re a very earthly being, and we’re talking about space magic, and kinda seems definitive, don’t you think—”

And then Steve shakes his head, as Thor continues to talk, and Clint continues to argue quietly, and suddenly he can’t hear them, can’t  _ understand _ them. Natasha’s gone, his  _ wife _ is gone. He won’t be able to see her smile again, hear her laugh, hear her joke, see her play with their son, hold her while sleeping. He won’t be able to kiss her good morning, nor kiss her good night.

She’s gone. His world, his best friend, the love of his life, the center of his whole  _ goddamn _ universe is gone.

_ Promise me you’ll be okay _ , he told her last night. He  _ made _ her promise last night, when she made him promise he’ll move on, and he and James will be happy after today. She  _ knew _ . She knew what was going to happen, and that only made it worse. She  _ told _ him. She practically told him what was gonna happen, and made him promise that he’ll be alright with it by letting her go, and walk into a death trap. She told him, and he didn’t listen. He didn’t  _ understand _ . She promised she’ll be okay.

_ I’ll be okay _ , she said, and she said it like a promise.  _ I’ll be alright _ .

“It was supposed to be me,” Clint had been saying. “She sacrificed her life for that  _ goddamn _ stone, she put her life on it.”

“She promised,” he finds himself whispering, and feels everyone’s eyes on him. “She promised...she promised she’ll be alright.” He looks up, and though the corners of his visions are blurring, he looks at Clint. “She promised she’ll be okay. I made  _ her _ promise we’ll be alright. That after today, we’ll all be alright.”

Clint does not move, nor say anything, but his eyes start filling with tears. Steve sees guilt, and it’s written all over his face, the guilt Clint is feeling that it should’ve been  _ him _ , and everyone else’s faces that are also saying it should’ve been any  _ one _ of them, anyone but her.

“She  _ promised, _ ” he says again, his fists clenching on his knees. His voice breaks, but he says this louder. “She  _ promised _ we’ll all be alright, and she keeps her promises.” His breathing becomes heavy as hot tears start flowing down his cheeks, anger welling up in his chest as he stands. “She  _ keeps _ her promises. She wouldn’t leave  _ me _ . She wouldn’t leave James. She’s going to come back!” He heaves and frowns, narrowing his eyes at Clint as he clenches his fists tightly. “ _ Don’t _ tell me that she’s not gonna come back because she  _ will _ ! So  _ you _ don’t get to go around and say she’s not coming back!”

He starts advancing towards Clint who doesn’t move, but he feels Tony’s arms on him, pushing him back as much as he can, and Thor helps him because Steve can easily take down Tony just to get to Clint, and punch his face for telling them that she’s  _ not _ coming back.

“You hear me?  _ You _ don’t get to say she’s not coming back! She keeps her promises!” he starts shouting, though his voice breaks at the end, and the edges of his vision blur as more tears start flowing. Clint is unmoving either, his expression further crumpling into guilt and just  _ utter _ sadness. “ She won’t leave me. She won’t leave James. She won’t leave this  _ goddamn _ team! She won’t, you hear me? She  _ won’t _ !”

“Cap, easy.” Tony says quietly.

“No!” Steve shouts, and for once, he allows his anger to consume him, using every inch of it to push Tony and Thor back, but Thor is much stronger than he is that he barely budged. He looks at the god now. “ _ You _ said we can bring her back. The stones, we have them, we can bring  _ her _ back, so go there, and bring  _ her _ back,” Thor’s eyes start filling with tears as he holds Steve into place.

“Steve, she’s not coming back.” Bruce says gently, softly, quietly. And it only angers him again.

“You  _ don’t  _ get to say that!” Steve starts shouting again, and Tony and Thor hold their places as he shifts himself to Bruce’s direction. “You don’t get to  _ say _ she’s not coming back! She’s coming back! She’s coming back, you hear me? She’s…”

And his legs start giving out, his whole body starts giving up as he just sags in Thor’s and Tony’s arms as he lets out a loud cry. The anger is dissipating now, slowly out of his body but the wave of grief, heartbreak and sadness just took over, and it’s pulling him, pulling him further down, feeling a part of him, a  _ huge _ part of him getting ripped away.

_ Natasha is gone. Natasha is dead. _

“She promised…” he sobs, and he feels Tony rubbing his back soothingly. “She won’t leave us. She can’t, she  _ can’t _ .”

“Steve, she didn’t mean—” Tony starts.

“She  _ knew _ ,” Steve cries, closing his eyes as he continues to see her face, her smile, her eyes glistening with tears last night when they spent the night getting the other one to fulfill the promises they’re asking. “She knew what she was getting into,” He lets out a choked sob, but he fights to keep his voice even. “She sacrificed her life for that goddamn  _ stone _ , so it better be worth it.”

“It will.” Tony assures him. He wants to bite back, how can they be sure? How was he sure that the  _ thing _ his wife exchanged her life for will be worth more than hers?

His eyes find Clint’s, which are now looking down at his own feet, guilt and sadness all over his face with the loss of his best friend, but with the knowledge that her best friend meant a lot  _ more _ to Steve, to their son.

Their son…

“How am I going to tell James?” he asks softly, quietly, and Clint looks back up at him. He winces when he finds Steve’s eyes looking right at him. “What am I going to tell him?”

No one says anything after that. Tony leads Steve back to sit on the bench, and Bruce lets out an angry grunt as he throws a bench to the lake, his huge fists clenched. Clint doesn’t move, and Tony and Thor stand on either Steve’s side. Steve buries his face in his hands and cries.

_ See you in a minute _ , she said with that beautiful smile of hers. It’s been more than a hundred of those minutes, but he hasn’t seen her yet. He probably won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it goes further downhill from this point on.
> 
> Check out After Running (I'm Coming Home) to neutralize the pain. Also, reviews, comments and kudos super highly appreciated!


	5. Liar, Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 05\. The one where James finds out.

When everyone else had gone home, it was Tony that stayed with Steve in their porch.

None of them said a word when they left, but when they did, Tony sat back down beside Steve on the bench and just waited for him. He pulls out his phone occasionally, and Steve knows he must have informed Pepper of Natasha’s death, which is why after a long moment of silence, he tells him, “Pepper and the kids are on their way back. Do you want me to tell them to go straight to the Tower?” Steve sighs. “I can drive you back there.”

Steve blinks his stinging eyes and closes it. “What am I gonna tell him, Tony?” he asks, and he looks at his friend. “What do I tell a young boy that his mother is gone, and there’s not even a body to prove it?”

That’s another thing that hurts him too. There is  _ no  _ body. Clint didn’t get to bring it back, and they’re sure even if they go back to Vormir, her body won’t be there anymore. She’s  _ gone _ , literally  _ gone _ .

It makes it real, yet makes it unbelievable at the same time, Natasha’s death.

“I don’t…” Tony trails off, and shakes his head, grimacing. He then sighs. “When they told me my parents were dead, I was...I was eighteen.” Steve just watches him. “They told me straight up. No nothing whatsoever, no...no preemptions, no opening lines, they just told me straight away that they’re dead, they’re gone, their bodies were found inside a crashed car.” Tony winces, and Steve sighs. “It’s not easy, hearing them say that my parents are dead, but then again, there was no other way to say it. No other way of letting me know. Either way, or  _ whatever _ way they tell me, it’s gonna hurt anyway, so might as well just tell me the truth, right?”

Steve exhales and looks down at his clasped hands, his wedding ring catching the light and he watches it. Tony notices it and he sighs. “James deserves to know the truth,” Tony says softly. “And I’m...I’m not saying you’re gonna lie, but I’m saying…” Tony trails off again and clears his throat. “I’m saying you don’t tell him things like she’s...I don’t know, one with the stars or something, or that she’s...she’s gone with the angels, and who knows maybe she has? But my point is,” he pauses and sighs. “My point is you tell James the truth. Soften the blow if you must, and you  _ must _ , because the kid’s barely seven yet, but he needs to know. It’s better he knows that…”  _ He can’t say it _ , Steve thinks as he listens to Tony pause again.  _ But neither can I. _ “It’s better he knows  _ that _ , than having him find out when he’s older. He’s old enough to understand that, Cap, but not old enough to deserve it.”

Steve sighs, and feels his eyes filling with tears again. He’s  _ tired _ , too tired to even think of letting these tears go. And when he thought he was too tired to even feel pain, he surprised himself by still feeling the same emotions he had when he first found out just a few hours ago.

James doesn’t deserve to have his mother be taken away from him. He doesn’t deserve to  _ know _ this kind of pain, experience this type of pain...not when he’s still young. Not when he still needs her—her soft, encouraging and loving words, her soft touches, cuddles and kisses...

Her presence.

He won’t stop needing her, he never  _ should _ stop, not in the next few years, but now his boy had been forced to stop needing her because she couldn’t be here anymore. That even after they had already killed Thanos five years ago, he still continues to take people away from them—James’ mother, and Steve’s wife.

He wants to lie. Both to himself and to his son, convincing both of them that Natasha is coming back. Then maybe he won't see the pained expression on his son's face, or maybe both of them can sleep peacefully at night as they wait another day for Natasha to come home.

But he knew better. And Tony was right, James deserves to know the truth.  But when the truth is as hard and harsh as this, does he still deserve it, even if it will cause problems, even if it will break his heart?

“Come on,” Tony says, standing up, and Steve follows slowly. “Pepper and the kids would be there in the Tower in a while.”

They drive silently back to the Tower, and Steve is thankful that Tony’s not saying anything more, much less looking at him pitifully every five seconds or so. He watches the trees as they drive by, and when they reach the city proper, he watches the people walking on the sidewalk. He watches mothers with their children, and husbands looking at their wives lovingly, as if they’re the most beautiful woman in the entire world, the awe evident in their eyes that  _ that _ woman is theirs.

He knows how that feels. Rather, he_used to_ know how it feels.

And in no time, they reach the Tower. Happy is already there standing beside the car, meaning that Pepper and the kids are probably inside already. Tony parks his car beside him, and he exits the car, opening the door on Steve’s side so he can step out. Steve gives him a small nod, and when he looks at Happy, he knows that the man knows too. Happy gives him a sad, sympathetic smile and a pat on the back when he passes, and Steve acknowledges too with a nod.

“They’re inside,” Happy says quietly. “By the communal living room, I think.”

“Thanks, Happy,” Tony replies, giving the man a pat on the shoulder. “Keep the car running. We’ll be giving them some time afterwards.”

Happy nods, and they proceed inside the Tower. Steve is following closely behind Tony. He’s not sure yet how he’s gonna tell James, but if one thing’s for certain, is that he’ll be there for as long as his boy needs him to. He’ll be there to comfort him, and cuddle him and wipe his tears away. He’s ready to step up his role as his father.

What he’s not ready, though, is to see the pain appear on his little boy’s beautiful face.

When they get in the elevator, Steve closes his eyes and leans on the wall. Tony watches him carefully, but he doesn’t mind. He feels the wave of pain in his chest come back, but he forces it down with a deep sigh. He has to be strong. He has to put up a brave face for his son. He has to be  _ strong _ .

Or no one else will, none for both of them.

“You ready, Cap?” Tony asks. Steve opens his eyes and sighs, straightening himself up.

“No,” he answers quietly. “But go ahead.”

The elevator door opens, and they see James and Morgan on the floor, chattering quietly and animatedly while they play with legos, oblivious to their fathers’ return. Pepper sees them, though, and she immediately walks over to them, and wraps her arms around Steve. Steve swallows, but he returns the embrace, forcing the pain to die down,  _ pushing _ the pain down and the urge to cry again down. He’s tired,  _ too _ tired, and he has to conserve the remainder of his energy for his son.

_ Their _ son, but now James is just  _ his _ .

“I’m sorry,” Pepper whispers when she pulls away. “I’m so sorry, Steve, if there’s anything—”

“Thanks, Pepper.” Steve says, and Pepper purses her lips and nods.

She steps aside, and Tony wraps an arm around her waist, kissing the side of her head. Steve doesn’t need to hear what’s running through his mind, and he wouldn’t blame him for thinking it—that he’s lucky to still have his wife beside him, alive and whole.

Steve sighs and slowly walks over to the kids. He forces a smile on his face. “Hey, guys.” he greets, and the two kids look up and smile when they see him.

“Daddy!” James exclaims, bouncing up to wrap his arms around his father’s legs. Steve slowly pulls him away so he can crouch down and embrace him properly, kissing the side of his head softly. He wraps his arms around his son tightly, but not too tight, just enough to feel his heartbeat against his.

“Hi, Uncle Steve.” Morgan greets with a smile and Steve smiles as James pulls away. Steve ruffles Morgan’s hair and the little girl chuckles.

“D’you have a good day, you guys?” he asks, and the two kids nod, wide smiles on their faces.

“We did,” James says, nodding. “Auntie Pepper brought us to a huge park, and bought us ice cream too!”

“And Jamie got chocolate mint, and I got strawberry.” Morgan continues and James nods, grinning. But James’ grin was short-lived when he starts looking around, and Steve knows the question is coming.

“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

Steve swallows, and he looks up at Tony who nods. He pulls away from Pepper and walks over to them. “Alright, little miss, it’s time for us to go home,” he says, picking up Morgan in his arms. “Time to let James and Uncle Steve rest.”

“Daddy, where’s Auntie Nat?” Morgan asks softly. Tony looks down at Steve and sighs.

“We’ll explain when we get home alright,” Tony murmurs, kissing the side of his daughter’s head. “Say goodbye to James and Uncle Steve.”

“Bye, Jamie, by Uncle Steve.” Morgan says, waving. Tony nods at Steve who nods back.

“We’ll come by tomorrow, alright?” Tony says, and Steve nods again, and the Starks take the elevator and down the Tower. Steve looks back at James, who is still looking at him, his eyes still holding the same question he had implored his father just moments ago.

“Let’s go back up, hm?” Steve asks, but James shakes his head, staying put to where he is.

“Daddy, we have to wait for Mommy,” he insists. “We have to wait for her before we go up, remember?”

It's been a habit before, that whenever Natasha would be out, she would ask that they would wait for her in the communal area before going back up to their floor. So they would go home together. _Go home together,_ it's what should have happened. But now that she's not coming back, what's there to wait for?

And this time, Steve can’t afford to push down the tears forming in his eyes. He takes a shaky breath, and swallows, putting both hands on top of James’ shoulders. He smiles sadly, and cups James’ cheek. James frowns, his eyebrows furrowing together as he looks at his father.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” he asks in a small voice, afraid.

Steve sighs again. “James,” he starts softly, and he attempts another smile, a small one, and a sad one at that. “Remember when Mommy and I...we went to work yesterday, right? And we said that we’d be going far away so we can save people’s lives, right?”

James nods. He knows who they are, and he’s well aware of  _ what _ they are, and what they do because they told him. They wanted to be honest with their line of work, especially when the team got back together weeks before.

“Yeah, but you’re here now. Is she coming home soon too?” he asks innocently, and Steve’s throat constricts, his eyes slowly filling with the tears threatening to fall.

_ Tell him the truth _ , Tony told him earlier.  _ James deserves the truth _ . “No,” he answers softly. “A bad thing happened, something bad happened to Mommy.”

James frowns, and his eyes fall to the ground. “Oh,” he says quietly. Then he looks back up at his father. “Well, is she hurt?”

Truth is, Steve doesn’t know. He doesn’t know  _ how _ she died, because Clint never told them. He doesn’t think he’d want to know either. Steve swallows again and nods. “She was,” he answers softly. “She was hurt pretty bad.”

James frowns further. “Then you should save her,” he says insistently. “You should go out there and save her, Daddy. You’re a superhero, you  _ have _ to save her from getting hurt.”

“James…” Steve trails off, and shakes his head.

“You save everyone!” James says, tears filling his eyes. “You save everyone, so you can save Mommy too!”

Steve allows a few tears to fall, mainly because he knows more will come, what with the pain of what his son is saying is true—James knows that he saves everyone who is hurt, and he’s _about to_ save everyone, everyone but Natasha—and the fact that James is as close to tears as he is. He needs to release a bit of the pain, release just a small amount to make room for a wave that’s about to come soon.

“James, I can’t save her.” he says slowly, and James’ tears start falling down his cheeks. He lets out a small choked sob, and Steve swallows down the sob forming in his throat.

“Why?” he demands, and Steve closes his eyes, his thumb brushing on his wet cheek gently.

He’s struggling to get the words out. He hasn’t said it, not since earlier, not since when he found out. Other people had been telling it for him, but not him. He’s never said it. But right now, nobody’s here to tell his son about it. Nobody other than him, so he has to say it. No matter how much it hurts, he  _ has _ to say it.

A wave of images flood his mind: Natasha’s smile, her laugh, her in a white dress, and her carrying James in her arms. The pain is too much, the loss is too much.

“I can’t save her,” Steve starts slowly, fighting to keep his voice steady. “Because nobody else can save her…” he pauses, and more tears start to fall, but he keeps his gaze steady, and his eyes locked with James’. He takes a shaky breath. “Because she’s dead, James.” His voice cracks, but he continues to fight to keep his voice steady, to keep his eyes open and looking at James. Even as he said it, it feels unreal and untrue, even though he knows it’s the truth, and it’s the  _ most _ painful truth he had to believe, and he had to say to his son. “Mommy died.”

James’ lower lip quivers, and he shakes his head. “You’re lying,” he says in a small voice, and Steve lets out a small sob as he closes his eyes and looks down. “You’re lying. You’re lying, Daddy!” he shouts, even though his voice starts breaking and more tears start falling from his eyes.

“James…”

“You’re not supposed to lie!” James continues shouting as he tries to pull away from his father’s grip, but even if Steve is crying now, and is letting out small, choked sobs, he doesn’t let go, and only pulls him close to him. James is flailing his arms, hitting Steve’s shoulders and head, and pushing him away.

“James, stop.” Steve pleads softly, pulling his son closer and ducking his hits. “Stop, please…”

“Get off me! Go away!” He lets out a sob as he pushes Steve away, but he doesn’t let go, and he doesn’t pull away, only pulling him closer to his body. “Mommy said lying is bad! You’re not supposed to lie, Daddy, you’re  _ not _ !”

“James,  _ please _ , please stop.” Steve is practically begging, his voice breaking as he continues to duck James’ small punches and hits, but James doesn’t back down.

“I want Mommy!” James starts shouting, more tears flowing from his eyes. “I want, Mommy! Stop lying, Daddy! You’re lying, stop lying!”

“I’m not, James, I’m not,” Steve sobs, and James lets out a loud cry as he continues to hit Steve weakly. He cries and Steve rubs a hand on his back gently. “I’m not lying, Jamie, I wish I was.” Steve lets out a choked sob, and it gives James a pause. “I wish I’m lying, I wish that they were lying when they said Mommy was dead, but I’m not, James, we’re not.” He pauses and James lets out a loud cry again as he hits Steve one last time on the shoulder, as he stops wiggling away from his grip around his body. “Mommy’s gone, James. Mommy is dead.”

James sobs and buries his face on Steve’s shoulder, his small arms wrapping around his neck. Steve holds him tight in his arms, his little boy,  _ their  _ little boy with her beautiful red hair and his blue eyes, with her fierce determination and his sheer loyalty, with her courage, and his compassion. He lets the boy sob and cry, and he holds him tightly, letting out a few soft sobs of his own, and allowing his own tears to fall.

He still couldn’t believe it’s true, not even when he said it.

Natasha is dead. Natasha is gone.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers, pressing a soft, sloppy kiss on the side of his head. “I’m sorry, James.”

James doesn’t respond, he doesn’t need to. He lets out another loud sob against his father’s shoulder, and he and Steve just stay there, on the floor in the communal living room of their home. They mourn—James for the loss of his mother, and Steve for the loss of his wife, partner and best friend. He continues to hold him, whispering in his ear that he’s sorry, and that he loves him, and that she loved them. She loved them dearly.

They stay on the floor until James’ sobs eventually died down into hiccups, and even then, he doesn’t stop crying. It is dark outside now, and it must be early evening, which means they must have been on the floor for a few hours now, but neither noticed the time pass. Steve doesn’t let him go, not even when James had fallen asleep on his shoulder, the grief and heartbreak overwhelming him and tiring him out. Even then, he doesn’t let go.

He’s afraid that if he does, he’ll be taken away too.

Steve presses a shaky kiss on the side of his head and he lets out another soft and choked sob. His head hurts, but his heart hurts more. He slowly gets up, carrying James in his arms as he walks over to the elevator and into their floor. He stops at the entrance, and he takes a deep breath as he walks in the living room, and into James’ room. He lays him on the bed, and he stays for a while longer sitting on the edge of his bed just watching him. His cheeks are puffed, and his nose is red, but he leans down to press a kiss on his forehead anyway, murmuring a soft good night, and sweet dreams, telling him that he loves him.

_ Now, what? _

What’s there left to do? He sighs and stands and walks out of James’ room, leaving the door open ajar in case he hears him cry in the middle of the night. He proceeds to their bedroom—now  _ his _ , and a fresh wave of tears come in when he spots her bathrobe hanging by the door. Just a few hours ago, she was wearing it, and he was wrapping his arms around her body while she wore it.

Now it’s just there, but she’s not.

On the nightstand, her wedding ring and engagement rings are there beside his, the usual spots where they put their rings before battle. Just yesterday, she was wearing those, watching them catch the light as she usually does.

Now it’s just there, but she’s not.

_ Now, what? Now she’s gone, what now? _

He leans against the wall, and lets out a loud, final sob that racks through his body as he slides down, burying his face in his hands. He allows the grief to consume him now, the reality that Natasha is gone, Natasha is dead, he allows it to wash over him. He allows the heartbreak to wash him over now when nobody else is watching, now when nobody else needs him to be strong. He allows himself to be weak, now that James is asleep.

“You promised, Nat,” he whispers, a sob following. “You promised we’ll be alright.”

But they’re not.  _ Now, what? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the lowest the story can get. I did promise redemption, right? ;) (depends on what I mean by redemption wink wink)
> 
> Check out my other works in my profile! I have an ongoing oneshot series as well called "After Running (I'm Coming Home)" if you need to neutralize the emotional distress from this work with some feel-good and light fluffs (in most chapters). Reviews, comments and kudos!


	6. Love's Reminder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 06\. The day after.

For a second, Steve forgets.

He opens his eyes to the sound of their door opening and closing and he lets out a soft groan as he closes his eyes again. _ It’s too early. _ He presses his arm against his eyes. _ My head hurts. _ He turns to the other side of the bed, as he always does when he wakes early in the morning, ready to drape his arm over her waist and pull her closer—

But as he does, he remembers.

His heart aches when his hand hits the cold sheets beside him, and he’s almost too afraid to open his eyes.

Even when he had admitted it to himself, and to James, last night that she’s gone. It’s still hard for him to believe. It’s still hard for him to believe, even as he opens his eyes and finds the spot beside him empty and cold. His vision blurs and feels the hot tears come in.

_ Natasha is dead. Natasha is gone. _

Will things ever get easier?

The door to the bedroom opens, and for a split second, he hopes.

“Hey,” Steve doesn’t move, especially when he hears Tony’s voice. It’s a voice he uses only to Morgan or Pepper, and Steve almost _ hates _ how Tony starts using it on him. He feels small, pitied, even, inferior and weak. Not to say that Pepper is any of those, but still. “Come on, big man, you gotta get up.”

Steve then looks up, and he blinks subconsciously so he’d get a better look at Tony. The man slightly winces when he spots the tears flowing from his eyes. He sniffles. “Is James up?” he croaks, his throat raspy and rough, and he clears his throat. “Is...is James up?” he repeats quietly.

Tony crosses his arms over his chest and regards Steve. “No, not yet. Checked his room, and he’s still buried under his comforter, so I was hoping you’d help with that,” he says, and then he looks at his watch. “It’s eight in the morning. Think you both can get dressed by nine?”

Steve frowns and furrows his eyebrows. “Why?”

Tony shrugs. “You need to get out.” he says, almost nonchalantly. Steve narrows his eyes and his frown gets deeper, and Tony sighs. “Look, just...can you get dressed by nine? And can you...do you know what Nat’s favorite flowers are? I’m sure you do, I mean…”

Steve stays silent for a moment, just staring up at Tony. “Fynbos,” he replies quietly. “Fynbos flowers. Those are the flowers in our wedding. I’ve been buying those for her since then for...for anniversaries, Valentine’s, Mother’s Day...” He trails off, as a fresh wave of pain hits his chest with yet another realization.

_ He never will get the chance to, not anymore. _

He should’ve bought more. When he bought her flowers, she always had that smile on her face—a beautiful smile—as if she was remembering, reminiscing the first time she ever held a bouquet of Fynbos. He should’ve bought more to bring more of that smile on her face. That’s the thing about death, especially that of a loved one, he thinks. You’ll never know when it comes. And when it does, you start thinking about how you should’ve bought more flowers, how you should’ve spent more time bringing that beautiful smile on their face, how you should’ve spent more time under their favorite spot in the park together, told them over and over again how much you love them...

How you never should have waited too long just to tell them you love them.

“Do you know where we can buy those?” Tony asks. Steve takes a deep breath and sits up on his bed, moving over to sit at the edge of the bed. He knows where Tony is going with this, and he appreciates the effort, he really does.

“There’s no body, Tony,” he tells him quietly, looking down at his feet. “No body to bury, no body to put in a coffin. Nothing, _ nothing _ of her was left.”

“Yeah there was,” Tony says, and Steve looks up, feeling more tears gather in his eyes. “You’re here, James is here, and the people she left an impact with her life are all here, all of us have parts of her inside of us so _ that’s _ what’s left of her,” Tony tries to even his voice, and even as Steve’s vision blurs because of the tears, he sees how his eyes are also glistening with unshed tears as he looks away from Steve. “That’s what we’re going to commemorate, and celebrate. We’re burying no body, not even anything about her. We’re just…” Tony’s voice cracks, and Steve sighs shakily as he looks down at his feet again.

“I’ll pick both of you up at nine,” Tony says quietly, and Steve nods. “I’ll...I’ll just...where do you buy those?”

Steve closes his eyes. “The flower shop on the corner of Broadway and Canal Street,” he says softly, and he opens his eyes, as he feels his heart ache yet again. “Tell them it’s...it’s Steve Rogers’ usual. They know what to give you.”

Tony nods, and Steve looks up to see him take a deep breath, exhaling a loud blow. He takes a few steps and rests a hand on his shoulder. “We got you, alright? All of us, we have your and James’ backs.” he says softly, and Steve nods. Tony nods again, and lifts his hand, reminding him once again that he’ll be picking up him and James at nine.

Steve watches Tony walk off, and he listens until he hears the door close. He sighs loudly, burying his face in his hands, taking a moment—_ this _ moment, just this moment for himself.

For no particular reason, really. It’s not like his grief is new, and it’s not like his brain is functioning beyond the simple yet complex fact that Natasha is gone. Perhaps, he thinks, he’s just gathering more strength, because once he opens the door of his bedroom to wake James up, he has to be strong. He _ has _ to, or no one else will, for the both of them. He has to put on a brave face, and get through the day.

Even though he knows that today will _ absolutely _ destroy him.

And so he gets up because he knows perhaps there is no way he’d be able to put on a strong face for James. He pads his way out of their—_ his, their, he doesn’t know, really, it’s too soon _ —bedroom and opens the door to the next. He sees red hair— _ her red hair— _sticking out from underneath the comforter, and watches as it lifts into slow and steady breaths. He sighs, and he silently offers a prayer of thanks for at least giving his son a proper time to sleep.

He takes a few steps over to the bed and sits on the edge. “Hey, buddy,” he says softly, and he rests a hand on top of the red hair. “Time to wake up.” He attempts for a voice that may come out as even, cheerful and he lets out a small smile.

He hears the rustling of the sheets, and watches as James slowly pulls his comforter from his face and slowly opens his eyes. His heart breaks when he sees his eyes are still glistening with tears, and red from crying. Steve attempts a smile, that which comes out as tight and sad, and James’ bottom lip quivers, the corners of his mouth pulling down as more tears fill his eyes.

“Come here.” Steve whispers, extending his arms out. James shrugs off the comforter and crawls over to Steve’s arms, and he gathers his son, pulling him closer to his chest. He feels his shirt getting damp and warm, and when he pulls back a little, James only pulls him closer by the fabric of his shirt, burying his face further in his chest as he lets out a small and silent sob. Steve runs his hand up and down the boy’s back, and presses a kiss on top of his head, allowing a few tears of his own to flow.

“Hey,” Steve whispers, pulling James tighter, closer to him. “It’s gonna be alright, buddy. Gonna be alright.”

James doesn’t respond. Not for a while. “I miss Mommy.” he says in a small voice, following a sniffle. Steve takes a shaky breath and presses a small kiss on his hair again.

His red hair, those that mirror hers. He hopes the kisses he gives James will also reach up to her.

“Me too,” he replies softly. “Me too, buddy.”

They stay like that for a while longer, Steve holding James, murmuring loving words to his son and James crying silently and sniffling against his father’s chest. But eventually, they get up, as Steve encourages James to take a bath as he prepares James a bowl of cereal. He’s probably wasted time, since Tony gave them an hour to prepare, but he figured he wouldn’t mind. He would understand. He wouldn’t rush a grieving family, right?

Steve presses a small kiss on James’ head when he takes his seat on the dining table, before he proceeds to the bathroom himself to take a bath and dress up. He dresses casually, putting on the articles of clothing he remembered her buying for him: a black long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of grey pants. He sighs, and figures he should at least wear something formal, if this would be a funeral for his wife.

No, not a funeral, he remembers. Tony said this will be a commemoration, a celebration of a life lived. Besides, Tony was practically wearing the same thing he was: black shirt and faded jeans and sneakers, so he figures this shouldn’t be formal. There’s no need for formalization, after all, this _ is _ just a commemoration. But Steve figures that’s just another way to call a funeral in its lesser morbid form.

He opens the drawer of the dresser, where he remembers putting her rings inside. He takes a deep breath, and with his shaky hand, takes both of those in his hands. She didn’t even wear it, not even if she knew it was going to be her final mission, her final moments. He wants to think that it’s as if she knows she’ll be coming back, but knew that she only wanted to make it seem like another normal mission for all of them.

He takes his dog tags, the one from the ‘40s, and opens the chains. He puts her two rings with his tags and he wears it, putting it underneath his shirt.

And true enough, at nine in the morning, the door to their floor opens and Tony walks in. “You guys ready?” he asks.

“Where are we going?” James asks quietly, looking up at his Uncle Tony from his seat in the dining area. His red hair is mussed, and his head rests on his arms folded on the table. Steve puts the last of their breakfast dishes back to the cupboard after wiping it dry and walks back to the dining area.

“Your Dad didn’t tell you?” Tony asks, looking at Steve.

“He did,” James responds, and Steve really did. He explained it to James over breakfast—that Tony will be picking them up because they’re going to a funeral for his mother. He didn’t exactly say funeral, but James had been the one to come up with the conclusion, and it’s not like Steve wasn’t thinking of the same thing. “Where?”

“You’ll see,” Tony says, ruffling James’ hair. “Now come on. Happy’s waiting downstairs.”

The view of the lake from where they are is beautiful. Happy parked the car by their cabin, but all of them still took a short walk to where the planned “commemoration” will be. It’s a short stroll, and James takes Steve’s hand as they follow Tony and Happy’s lead. They pass by the forest adjacent to the cabin, until they reach a clear by the lakeside.

And the view is still breathtaking, even more so, he supposes.

_ Nat, you would’ve loved it. _ He swallows down his throat when he sees the numerous kinds of Fynbos flowers—those he recognized from the flowers he bought for her—surrounding a small perimeter, and inside the perimeter are their friends: Thor, Bruce, even Clint is there, Scott, Nebula, Rocket Raccoon, Rhodey, Pepper and Morgan. He sees that Carol and Okoye are also there, and when they see him, they give him a small nod, and he nods back.

She would’ve loved it, he supposes, all of them together to commemorate her.

In front of them is a framed picture of Natasha, and he smiles because he remembers the photo. It was Pepper who took it, during one of their joint family picnics so the kids can play just a few months ago. Tony had gifted Pepper with a polaroid camera, and she took it out and started taking photos of them. He remembers Natasha wearing a yellow sun dress during that time, and her hair styled into a half crown braid, where the rest of her hair was left wavy and down.

It was the golden hour, Pepper had said, and Natasha looked toward where the sun was almost settling and smiled. She wasn’t looking at the camera, and the wind had flown on her face that Steve’s breath was taken away as he watched her, but Pepper’s mind was alert enough to snap a photo of her, the one on the frame in front of them now.

He still has the polaroid photo of her in his sketchbook.

Everyone greets him as he passes, giving him hugs as well. James had been taken away by Morgan, dressed in a small black dress, and started talking to him in a low and quiet voice, while James does his best to talk. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable, Steve figures, so perhaps he’s okay with having someone else other than his father distract him from his own grief.

Clint is the last one to greet him, and his grey eyes look at him guiltily, his eyes filling with tears. “Steve, I’m sorry.” he whispers.

And Steve nods, because he _ knows _ Clint is sorry. He knows Clint wouldn’t have allowed it to happen if he had a say to do so. So he embraces his late wife’s best friend, and pats him on his back.

Pepper eventually leads him to one of the seats, which are arranged in such a way that they’re all just facing each other so casually, and that’s when Steve noticed the coolers and the huge plates, and Steve lets out a small smile when he sees Thor opens the foil on top of the plates: it’s filled with peanut butter sandwiches filled with bananas inside. He distributes the sandwich, offering the plate to every one of them so they can get their own, while Tony distributes boxes of mango juice for everyone.

Scott started musing about how he remembered stealing half of Natasha’s sandwich when he first came back from the Quantum Realm. “She raised an eyebrow when I took it, and I took it as a sign to continue explaining the Time Heist, but in hindsight, maybe I should’ve just...you know, left her sandwich alone.” To which everyone, including Steve, laughs.

And it started a series of everyone’s favorite moments with Natasha. Pepper continued and told the group that one of her best moments with Natasha was when she was helping her take care of Morgan in her first few months. For Tony, it was when she was able to take down Happy when she first came in as Natalie Rushman (Tony defended his answer by saying it was the moment he knew how badass Natasha was, regardless of who she plays herself to be). Clint shares a story of how the two of them managed to piss Fury off from one of their earlier missions. Bruce recounted the story of how they came up with the lullaby to calm the Hulk down. Rhodey told them a story of how Natasha managed to somehow cheat her way into winning Monopoly with him and Sam without letting them realize until the following day. Okoye told them a story of how she and Natasha would spend their down times in Wakanda, and Carol with the same story, but in New York. Nebula and Rocket are perfectly content with listening, munching on their sandwiches and drinking their mango juice.

“What about you, Jamie?” Tony asks, when he and Morgan had come over to the adults to ask for more sandwiches. “What was your favorite moment with your Mom?”

James looks over at Steve who smiles at his son. “Two days ago, when she tied my shoelaces together and made me jump like a rabbit. Then we went down to buy some ice cream, and sat down on our favorite spot,” he says softly, and he gives a small smile to everyone. “She played with me after too, and we spent the whole day at the park until it became dark.”

Steve smiles widely at James who smiles widely as well, as he grabs another peanut butter sandwich. “What about you, Morgan? Any good memories with Auntie Nat?” Steve asks softly. Morgan smiles.

“She plays lots of hide and seek with me,” she says in a small voice. “But then she’s bad at it because I always catch her.” Everyone laughs, including James who chuckles softly as he munches on another sandwich.

“She’s not _ that _ bad, isn’t she?” Tony asks exaggeratedly, furrowing his eyebrows playfully over at Morgan who giggles and nods, muttering that yes she _ is _ bad at hide and seek when it comes to Morgan.

And it feels good, looking at his friends, as each one of them smiles and laughs, remembering more happy moments they have shared with Natasha. Steve is content to listen, content to watch as each of his friends overlap each other’s stories to add more of theirs. The atmosphere is lighter, inciting more laughter and smiles. He can see it, what Tony told him earlier this morning: each one of them had a part of Natasha with them, and here they are, celebrating that kind of similarity they have over peanut butter sandwiches and mango juice above their smiles and laughters.

It’s everything Natasha would have wanted to see.

“What about you, Cap?” Tony asks, and everyone looks at him. “I mean, don’t go for the cliche ‘every moment I had was the best moment I had’, but...there must be something, you know? That still stands out from all of the best moments you’ve had.”

Something that stands out? Steve couldn’t imagine. He thinks of the usual, probably cliche answers he can come up with: their wedding, finding out she’s pregnant with James, James’ birth, all their anniversaries. All of them _ are _ the best, and even in the most mundane moments they’ve had, Steve had the best moments with Natasha, and he had lived the best life with her.

But how did they get up to this point anyway?

“Well,” Steve starts, letting out a soft chuckle. “I mean apart from...well, apart from all the moments you’d probably say was cliche,” He swallows down his throat and lets out a chuckle. “Probably the first time I heard her sing.”

“When was this?” Pepper asks, smiling, as she crosses her legs and props her elbow on her knee to lean forward, her other hand holding the juice box.

“Years ago, well, when James was still a few months old,” Steve answers, and he allows himself to reminisce the moment. “I came home from mission, and she was crying because she couldn’t figure out why James was crying. She started to doubt herself about motherhood, and when I told her she can just sing to him to calm him down, it was like she almost couldn’t believe it could be that easy. That night, James started crying, and she started singing, and it was...it was beautiful.”

It’s not like he could remove the memory of her voice in his head, but it pains his heart to know that it’s what her voice will always be from now on: a memory, that of which can be heard in his dreams, or occasionally heard when he is alone. He still remembers the song she sang, and when he opened his eyes to watch, the way she looked down and smiled at James when she sang. Her voice was smooth, melodious and beautiful, as beautiful as the rising sun and the crashing waves in a calm morning.

He looks over to where James and Morgan are now laughing and running around nearby, and he smiles. “It’s been her habit since then, you know, to sing to James so he can fall asleep. Up until he was probably around three or four, and then stopped when he was older, but he would always ask her to sing,” he says, and he feels the tears gathering in his eyes. “It's what made her a remarkable and good mother. And I’d like to think it’s one of the most favorite sounds James would’ve loved to hear even as he grows up.”

Steve takes a shaky breath and shakes his head when the tears start to fall. He bows his head down. “And I...I think I should’ve, you know, I _ should’ve _ asked her to sing more, should’ve listened to her sing more if only...if only to really ingrain it in my heart and in my mind until it’s the only song I can hear,” he says, his voice breaking at the end. Thor rests a hand on his back. “I should’ve done a lot more things, should’ve...should’ve never wasted a moment with her, never wasted a moment with her and James…” He pauses as he wipes the tears with the back of his hand. “Because I thought I was going to spend a lifetime with her, so I...I didn’t. I didn’t do any of those.”

He shakes his head and sighs. “Who would’ve thought a lifetime now only lasts for seven years, huh?”

And he starts counting, because it’s what he vowed Natasha he will do: to start counting time based on her, or to never count at all. They’ve known each other for eleven years, and have only been together for seven, married for six. If a lifetime would only last this long, then why does every moment without her now feels longer than those eleven years with her?

Steve looks around at his friends, and sees tears pooling in their eyes. “If there’s one thing about Nat since we got together, it’s that she never failed to tell me at every moment how much she loves me. And in those moments in between too, she never failed to think about everyone, including those who have passed, and continued to tell them she loves them in her own way,” he says. “And she...she showed that. She showed that yesterday, I suppose. She showed the world how much she loves by giving her life so they can be brought back.”

He lets out a small and sad smile. “If there’s one thing Nat would’ve probably taught me, taught _ us, _ is that if you love someone, you take all the time you have to tell them. You tell them know how much you love them, until they can still hear you. You let them feel how much you love them, until it’s the only thing that they can feel,” he says, and he lets out a smile, a real one this time. “I hope you knew how much Nat loved each and every one of you too.”

And everyone nods, all of them discreetly wiping the tears flowing from their eyes. Clint didn’t bother wiping, so Steve gives him a nod to which he returns as well.

Tony raises his juice box. “To Natasha Romanoff-Rogers, who will forever be in our hearts and our memories.” he says as a toast. Everyone else lifts their juice box, repeating his words, and Steve smiles as he lifts his.

“To Nat.” _ Forever in heart and memory. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I promise redemption will come really soon, in some form or way. But for the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! (is 'enjoy' the right term?)
> 
> Thank you also for all your kind comments and reviews and please don't forget to leave more of them after this (and to the rest of my works too)! Don't forget to share it to your friends and our other co-fans of Stevenat/Romanogers out there!
> 
> *Fynbos as Nat’s bridal bouquet a reference from “A Multiverse of Romanoff and Rogers”  
*Steve’s memory of Nat a reference from Chapter 2 of “After Running (I’m Coming Home)”
> 
> Go check ‘em out too!


	7. Worthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 07\. The final fight of their lives.

“I think that’s the last of it,” Tony says, walking over beside Steve as they look at the now-empty truck that was before filled with moving boxes. “Yup, that’s the last of it. I’m surprised it wasn’t that many. I mean, it _ was _ but not _ that _ many I expected it to be.”

Steve shrugs. “It’s not like Nat and I had a lot,” he says quietly. “Majority of it were James’ toys, really.” He lets out a small smile at Tony. “More than half of it no thanks to you.”

“That’s overstating things,” Tony says, furrowing his eyebrows and frowning, and Steve lets out a quiet chuckle, shaking his head. Tony smirks. “Is that a smile I see in three days, Rogers? Look good on you, maybe you should try to do it more often.”

Steve sighs and gives Tony a small smile again. It has been three days since their Time Heist, and since Natasha has died as well. It’s been two days since her funeral (or, commemoration, really, as what the others insist they call it. That same afternoon after the commemoration, Steve opened to Tony about his intentions of moving out of the Tower. 

“It’s not as much as moving out because the place reminds us of Nat,” he told Tony. “It’s really just so it might help us move forward.” She made him promise her that they will live a normal life after this, that he will do his best to give James a happy and normal life, raise him to be a good and loving boy that he already is. Though it pains him, and though it still lives a bitter taste in his mouth when he repeats the reality again and again that Natasha had died, he will fulfill her promise. It’s the least thing he can do, and it’s the best he can do to remember her by.

She would have wanted this. She would have wanted them to move on, and move forward. And so they began to pack their things up that same afternoon. Everyone helped, which was how the moving out became easier and quicker than Steve expected it to be. They slept in the Starks’ cabin last night (as Tony offered while Steve would look for a newer place), and moved all the boxes this morning.

Steve looks up to the sky and sighs, and he offers a silent prayer that whatever he’s doing makes Natasha happy wherever she is. James likes to think that she had become one of the angels now, like one of those bedtime stories Natasha had always told James as a little boy.

The wind rushes past them, brushing by his face, and Steve smiles, because he’d like to think that she’d become her boys’ angel now as well.

“Thanks for doing this, Tony,” he tells him. “And we won’t...we won’t be here for long, not until we can find a good home to settle in again.”

Tony nods. “No rush, though. You can stay here as long as you want,” he tells Steve. “Morgan likes the company, and you make good company too.” Steve chuckles and nods. “It’ll be okay, you know?”

He sees James walking up to them and he smiles. “Hey, little guy.” he says softly as he crouches down and extends his arm. James gives him a small smile as he wraps his arms around his father’s neck and Steve lifts him, pressing a kiss on his hair when he rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“You and Morgan done playing?” Steve asks, running his hand up and down the six-year-old boy’s back.

“Auntie Pepper called Morgan,” James mumbles. “Says it’s nap time.”

“And it’s nap time for you too, you know,” Steve says softly. “You’ve been up since really early this morning.”

James stays silent, and instead tightens his arms around Steve. He looks over at Tony who nods and gives him a sad smile. “You should go in and rest, both of you,” he says. “We can settle the boxes later.”

“Thanks, Tony,” Steve says softly, and Tony nods, giving them a smile before walking back towards the cabin. He pulls away gently to look at James who had buried his face in the crook of his father’s neck. “Wanna go back in, hm? Get some nap and maybe we can play later?”

James lifts his head and he points to the Starks’ porch by the lakeside. “Just sit by there?” Steve asks and James nods. Steve puts James down, and the little boy takes his father’s hand as they silently walk their way to the porch.

It had become James’ favorite place whenever they would be over at the Starks’, as he said so himself. It’s become his and Morgan’s playing ground, and where he and Natasha, or the three of them, really, would decide to stay so they can watch the sunset with Tony and Pepper. Even after the funeral when everyone had left, Steve found James and Morgan by the lakeside, where James was telling Morgan a story about Natasha, and Morgan was listening attentively, when she told him a story about her Auntie Nat too as he listens quietly.

And he supposed that that’s one of the things about James now—especially now. He’s become quieter, more secluded in a sense. He hasn’t been _ totally _ quiet and mute , though. He still interacts and plays with Morgan a lot, but even their games had become quieter, and Morgan was sensitive, and respected the quiet too. She understood somehow that James’ Mommy had died, and that James wouldn’t be in the mood for playing that much for quite some time. Nevertheless, he’s thankful that the little girl doesn’t leave James’ side, and he knows that James is as thankful to his friend about it too, because he still tries his best to play as normally and talk as normally to Morgan as possible.

He responds well to his aunts and uncles too, especially to Tony and Pepper who had been there for both of them since Natasha had died, and he’s most responsive, of course, to Steve. He still allows Steve to cuddle with him, and he cuddles back. He still tells Steve about his dreams, and responds when Steve tells him he loves him. They still play, and in those moments, Steve does his best to distract James as much as he can and it works too, because James would laugh and smile, both of which had become rare especially when his mother died. Steve would laugh and smile too, and for a moment, they would forget.

But then reality would hit them hard, and they would remember the loss and grief.

The one thing Steve had observed from James, though, is that he doesn’t cry too often (but then again, it's only been three days). After the funeral, though, he did when, upon everyone’s departure, he took one last look at his mother’s portrait before they could take it away and the silent tears started to flow. Steve took him in his arms and he sobbed against his father’s chest, the choked and small sobs he emitted breaking Steve's heart by the second. But other than that, James had been sensitive and perceptive enough to also know that Steve was as affected as he is with the loss, which is why Steve thought that James had been trying so hard to appear normal when with Steve and the rest. He takes after his mother in that way. He puts other people’s feelings and emotions before his, even if it kills him that he’d no longer see his mother smile when he wakes up, or that she’d never be able to cook him his favorite breakfast in the morning, or that he’ll never get the chance to play with her again outdoors. He takes those feelings and bottles it inside him, and puts on a face, a great effort to lift the spirits of the people around him.

It’s been three days, and it still hurts. Steve knows about the process of grief, and how long it can take, because he had gone through with it when his mother died. But Steve can’t imagine how they can spend the rest of their lives like this—so incomplete and grieving—but knew they had to.

They sit down on the edge of the porch, and James swings his legs back and forth as he looks over at the lake. Steve is beside him, picking up some rocks the kids had left by the edge of the porch and holding them in his hands. They stay silently like that, because Steve knows James likes the silence, especially in the spot where they are right now.

That is until… “Daddy?” James asks quietly, looking up at his father, with those wide blue eyes that mirror his, looking up at him.

“Yeah, buddy?” Steve responds softly.

James looks down at his lap and starts fumbling with his fingers, as if he’s afraid to say something that’s in his mind, and Steve waits patiently. James then looks back up at Steve. “Is it okay if you don’t become a superhero anymore?” he asks softly, and in a small voice.

Steve’s chest aches, and tears threaten to fill his eyes. He swallows it down. “What makes you say that, Jamie?” he asks softly, willing his voice to not break, nudging his son’s shoulder gently.

He knows, of course, but he still wants to hear James say it, in case he assumes wrong, which, at this point, he doubts so.

James frowns and he looks down again. “I know you save a lot of people, and I know they need lots of superheroes and...and you’re a good superhero who can do that,” he starts quietly. “But Mommy was a good superhero too, and...and she’s gone...and…” He looks up at Steve again and a tear escapes from James’ eyes. “And what if you get hurt too? And...and I’m gonna be left alone...and…”

“Hey,” Steve hushes softly, pulling James closer beside him, and James inches closer to bury his face on his father’s side. Steve runs his hand on James’ arm, soothing him. “You’re not going to be left alone. I’m not going anywhere, alright?”

“That’s what Mommy said too, but she’s not here,” James says, more tears flowing from his eyes. “Mommy saved a lot of people but she’s not here anymore.”

“Hey, hey, come here.” Steve hushes softly, pulling James closer and embracing him in his arms. James climbs Steve’s lap and buries his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, wrapping his arms around his neck. Steve presses his lips on his hair, as he allows tears to fall down his cheeks.

Steve didn't think he can remember a life not fighting, not wanting to go into battle and save people. Even before receiving the serum, he’s always been determined to continue to fight, always been determined to put himself first in the line of battle before others. He became fortunate enough to find Natasha who supported him in that, and shared that same life experience with him.

It cost them, of course. It cost her _everything_, but it cost him—him and James—much more than they bargained for, and they were determined to never bargain anything at all. Now he has to learn. He _ has _ to learn to live a life without knowing fights or battles. He _ has _ to learn to live a life where the normal battle is normal, mundane routine life in itself, and not aliens, robots or anything extra-terrestrial and dangerous that can put his life at risk.

He’s thought about it, of course, planned it with Natasha before she died that he would put the shield down officially. He thought they can live through it together, fight through the battle of normal, boring domestic life together (which, at that point, excited them, compared to the dangers they live through as superheroes), but now he has to live it alone.

He has to live it because his son is asking him to, and he doesn’t want to lose his son.

“Please, Daddy,” James cries softly, pulling Steve closer to him. “Please don’t be a superhero anymore.”

“Okay,” Steve says softly. “Okay, James, I won’t. Not anymore.” Steve presses a kiss on James’ hair. “I’ll be your superhero instead, hm? I’ll always be here, and I’m never gonna leave, okay?” James doesn’t let go, and neither does Steve. They stay silently like that, at the edge of the porch by the lakeside: their favorite place apart from under the tree in the park by the Tower.

But the silence is broken when a few minutes later, Tony comes in. “Steve? Bruce said they’ve assembled the glove, they want us there.” he informs him quietly.

James pulls Steve by the shirt, tucking his face further to prevent Steve from letting go. “I...Tony, I don’t…” he trails off, and tightens his hold around James.

“It’s important, Cap. I’m sorry,” Tony says. Steve sighs and looks at James, then back at Tony. Tony sighs and he crouches down beside James who turns his face to look at his Uncle Tony. “Hey, Jimmy. Your Dad and I have to go back to the Tower to fix something. We won’t be long.”

James frowns, and tightens his hold around Steve. “But Daddy said he won’t be a superhero anymore.” he says in a small voice.

Tony looks at Steve and gives him a sad look, and Tony looks again at James. “I know, Jimmy, I...this is the last one, we promise. And we won’t be going anywhere dangerous, I promise. Your Dad’s going to come home later, okay?” he says softly, messing James’ red hair. “And then...and then it’ll all be over.”

James lifts his head to look at his father. In truth, Steve doesn’t want to leave James, especially when he promised his son that he’d never leave again, but this seemed important. The assemblage of the glove seemed important, _ felt _ important that he couldn’t miss it.

If this would be his last fight, bringing everyone who had been lost in the decimation back, then it would be his honor to be there, to be one of those who brought them back.

And to represent the sacrifices of those who helped to bring them back.

“We’ll be back, alright?” Steve asks James softly, running his hand to smooth James’ red hair and resting his hand on his cheek, his thumb brushing over the tears falling under his eyes. “It’ll just be a while, and we promise to be safe. You stay here, and be with Auntie Pepper and Morgan.”

“I want to go with you.” James says softly, but Steve shakes his head.

“It will be quick, Jamie, I promise. And then after this, no more superheroes, I promise,” Steve says. It takes James a while but he eventually nods, and Steve embraces his son tightly. “I love you, James. I’ll be back home, okay?”

“Okay.” James responds. Steve presses a kiss on his hair and looks at Tony who nods.

“I’ll go grab your gear.”

* * *

And now as Steve stands alone in front of Thanos and his army, he lets out a breath and closes his eyes, as he feels blood coming out of his mouth. He wipes it with his gloved hand and opens his eyes, looking up at the dark sky, the dusty rubble and debris of what was once the Avengers Complex, and the growing army behind Thanos. He sees Thor lying unconscious on the rubble, and Tony is on the other side, fighting for his consciousness, both having been knocked out by Thanos.

His ears are ringing, and his heart is hammering against his chest as he stands there alone, trudging forward, moving even with the pain in his body and the despair tugging inside him. He takes a deep breath and he tightens the band of his arm that connects to his now broken shield. If this is meant to be his last battle that will lead to his death, in exchange for the victory of the universe, then so be it. He once declared this as the fight of their lives, and _ he _ is going to fight for the universe.

Whatever it takes.

And while he looks up at his growing army of enemies, he offers up a silent prayer that James would forgive him if he doesn’t come home, if he would break yet again another one of his promise that he wouldn’t come home, and that he will grow up to be big, strong, kind and compassionate. He prays that James would be forgiving of his parents for leaving him so early, for putting their lives purposefully on the line to save the universe. He closes his eyes yet again as he offers a prayer that Natasha would forgive him for letting her down, and that maybe someday, somewhere, in a nice and beautiful place, they can meet—

“Hey, Cap, do you hear me?” He opens and his eyes and stops, as he carefully listens to his earpiece, above the static. “Cap, it’s Sam, do you hear me? On your left.”

And slowly everyone else comes in through portals. T’challa, Okoye, Shuri, and the rest of the Wakandan warriors, Sam flying in, the kid Steve recognized to be the one from Queens, Bucky, Wanda, and many others coming up behind him. He turns, and he sees Thor get up, summoning Stormbreaker, and Tony gets up as well when he sees Pepper fly in her own suit. Scott emerges from the ruins, bringing in Bruce, Rhodes and Rocket.

And he allows a small smile on his face, and a breath of relief from his mouth. _ He is not alone. _ This is the fight of their lives, and they’re going to fight it together, as a team, to fight for the universe.

He turns to Thanos and his army, and he smiles, firming his stance as he feels everyone settling and positioning behind him.

“Avengers!” he shouts. He raises his hand to summon the hammer, willing himself to catch Mjolnir.

He feels the now-familiar wind rush past him as the hammer passes, but it doesn’t land in his hand, and for a moment, he gets confused when he sees a flash of where it landed. It lands in the hand—a familiar, gloved hand—of someone beside him. He sees flashes of red hair with blonde tips brought by the wind as the hammer passes, and for a second—a split second—his heart starts to drop inside his chest, as he thought he would have been dreaming, hallucinating, even.

He’s almost too afraid to look.

But he turns, and he sees her. He finds Natasha, in all her glory, whole, in her usual stealth suit, looking untouched and beautiful with her hair wavy and down as if blown by the wind, with her batons at her back, and her Widow Bites charged at her wrists. She is right there with him, beside him, looking up at him as she holds the hammer, Mjolnir, in her hand. Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears, but her face is determined and proud, especially when his eyes met hers. He feels tears gathering his eyes and he smiles, feeling the pride swell so overwhelmingly inside his chest as he regards her.

What did Thor say about wielding his hammer again?

_ Whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power. _

Of course, Natasha is worthy. She never tried lifting it before when everyone else did because she was afraid of what it might further say about her, but he knew, deep down he _ always _ knew she was worthy. She was made worthy because of her big heart, her willingness to risk herself for the sake of others, her strong courage and moving compassion for the people around her, most especially to the people she loves, and the people who love her back. She had been worthy even before he loved her, and even before she became a wife and a mother. She is worthy in every sense, especially now, now that she had been brought back after sacrificing her life for billions of people to live.

She smirks, and she hands the hammer to Steve, who takes it in his hand. She then smiles widely when she regards him for a moment, looking at him with Mjolnir in his hand. There is pride in her eyes, glistening and sparkling with unshed tears and overwhelming love and pride.

“I’m always picking up after you boys,” she says softly. "Sorry it took me more than a minute to get here."

He chuckles softly, feeling his own tears come in as he feels her other hand slip in his free hand, giving it a light squeeze. "It's okay," he whispers. "It's okay."

He doesn't care if it's been more than hundreds of minutes. She came back. She is real, she is here, and she is worthy.

And he feels invincible.

Natasha looks back at Thanos, as her stance becomes firm, her eyes narrowing, her expression turning to a determined one. He then turns his head and looks at Thanos straight in the eye, not letting go of Natasha’s hand. He takes a deep breath, and squeezes Natasha’s hand back. “Assemble.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read Chapter 5 of After Running (I'm Coming Home), the latter part is nearly the same as that chapter's last part, but I made some modifications, of course.
> 
> I keep my promises, and since I promised redemption (for myself and for our favorite Russian spy), here it is (because I can't just let her stay dead. I don't care what the Russos or what Scarlett Johansson say so themselves). I also do hope I pulled off the redemption properly and you guys like it! I've finished this work in full so I finally have a definite number of chapters left. We're down to three chapters left, so I do hope you guys still stay tuned as to what's next! I promise it's going to be good and exciting (and a little dramatic, maybe?) still.
> 
> Reviews, comments, kudos and share it to your friends!


	8. That Would Be Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 08\. The one where the dust settles down.

The dust settles, and they take into account the losses they had, the lives sacrificed in the battle despite gaining those which were lost five years ago.

One of those losses was Tony, whose body had been taken away by Rhodey and Thor, with Pepper and Peter following them. He was a good man, a brave man who managed to outsmart the cruel titan by giving him an empty glove, and instead took in the full power of all six stones, snapping it so Thanos and his army can be gone, thus saving the entire universe from his further doom.

Tony saved the universe, and for that, they call him a hero. For that, the entire universe will forever be grateful.

There were also gains, a lot of them. Those who died five years ago have come back, among those, of course, the Bartons, Wanda, Sam, Bucky, T’challa, Shuri and Okoye. They fought valiantly by the Avengers, by Steve’s side, to avenge what had been done to them and the rest of the universe. In the end, they had won, and it’s also because of them that they did.

But among the gains, and the lives that had been restored by Bruce’s snap, and by their ultimate victory from Thanos, he was mostly grateful for  _ one _ particular life.

And he is looking right at her.

Clint is still embracing her, and he’s murmuring, his voice breaking and sobbing. But she hushes him, assures him in her usual soft and smooth voice, the voice she only ever uses at James. Her eyes are closed, and a small smile on her face, a smile of contentment, of happiness, of victory. It feels good to see it, feels good to have her there by his side as they fight their way through the fight of their lives, the fight that brought victory to the universe. She can see the same bliss he’s feeling on her face as she embraces Clint, probably assuring him that it’s alright, that she is here and she is alive.

And if Clint is having a hard time accepting it (thus, the long amount of time that he’s embracing her), he wouldn’t blame him. Because frankly speaking, Steve was also having a hard time believing she came back.

Even when he saw her wielding Mjolnir without effort.

Even when he felt her hand slip in his.

Even when he looked into her eyes and saw tears,  _ real _ tears pooling in her eyes.

Even when he watched her fight ever so gracefully during the battle alongside their female teammates.

And even now, as she lets go of Clint is looking right at  _ him _ .

He takes two slow, tentative steps forward, and all he sees is  _ her _ . He forgets about the rubble under their feet that was once their home, was once was a place where he fell in love with her, was once a place where, for quite some time, they raised their little boy together. He forgets about everyone else who started embracing one another, about Wanda embracing Clint, Sam shaking hands with Scott, and just sees her—Natasha, his wife whom he thought, whom he believed to have died—now alive and beautiful staring back at him.

His eyes slowly fill with tears, as he remembers the past days he’d spent without her. It had been difficult, for both him and James, lonely particularly for Steve, knowing and believing she was gone. He barely slept, and when he did, it would always be because he had cried the night away. It had only been three days, but for him, for both  _ him _ and James, it felt like a lifetime. One particular night, he had been unable to sleep, so he sketched her from memory. It came out as a rough sketch, never complete, because his hands shook as the pain from his chest shot up and made him sob.

Tony and Pepper came by to help, of course, starting with the funeral, and mostly to make sure James would be actively playing with Morgan or talking and eating, especially since those three days Steve had great difficulty finding it in himself to function beyond waking James up, preparing him breakfast and playing with him a little in the morning. They would take James out, and the little boy would be hesitant leaving his father alone, but Bruce will be there to accompany him, and so Steve would put a smile on his face, kiss James goodbye and let him go, even when every inch of his body would urge him not to.

Because the last time he let a loved one go without him, she had been taken away from him.

But now she’s here, and she too, takes two tentative steps forward, her eyes imploring his. His vision begins to blur as tears start to fall, and he sees her again clearly. He thought that if he’d blink, she’d be gone, just like all those nights he dreamt of her.

He blinks, and the tears fall, just like how it was all those nights ago. But unlike those nights, she’s still here.

He stops in his tracks, and she offers a small smile, and it was enough to have him running towards her, gathering her in his arms as he lets out a sob that he’d been holding since he first felt her hand in his before the battle. He breathes her in, and she smells of smoke and gunpowder from the fight, but somehow she still smells like  _ her _ . She buries her face in his chest, and he presses a kiss on top of her head, and lets out another choked sob.

He slowly pulls away from her, and she looks up, her eyes shining and glistening with tears. He lifts his hands to rest on either side of her face, his thumbs gently tracing circular patterns on her cheeks, and she smiles at him. “Is this real?” he whispers, as more tears fall from his eyes. “Nat, tell me this is real.”

Natasha nods, and reaches up to rest her hands on his face, her right hand running a hand through his hair and stopping at the back of his head, pulling him down to press a kiss on his lips. She tastes real to him, her mouth still tasting the same in his even if it had been a few days since they had kissed, even if she had gone from this Earth and went back. He kisses back passionately, and she hums against his mouth as she pulls him even closer, and his arms fall to rest on her waist.

He tightens his hold on her, pulling her closer to his body even as she pulls away, her hands both going back to cup his face. “It’s real, Steve,” she whispers in reply, and she smiles again at him. “I’m real.”

Steve chokes out a sob, and Natasha brushes his tears away with her thumbs gently. Steve closes his eyes and leans down to rest his forehead against hers.  _ She’s real _ , it’s what she said.  _ She’s here _ , and it’s true. Even if he still thinks it’s unbelievable, that anything about  _ this _ , about  _ her _ could be just another one of his cruel dreams leading him to hope, he wills himself to  _ believe _ .

She is here, and he is holding her.

“Were you hurt?” It’s the first thing he asks, one thing he has to know as one hand moved to rest on her cheek. “When you...when you died, did you get hurt?”

Natasha smiles sadly and shakes her head. “No.” she answers softly, and Steve sighs in relief. It was painless, made easy by the memory of Steve and James running through her head. She clears her throat and takes a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry,” Natasha whispers, closing her eyes and running her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I went away. I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye—”

“No,” Steve whispers, leaning to press a chaste kiss on her mouth. “It doesn’t matter, Nat.” He opens his eyes and meets her wide green eyes looking up at him. “It’s okay. It’s okay, alright?” His fingers run through her hair, stroking it gently. “You’re  _ here _ , and you’re here now, and it’s what matters.”

Natasha frowns, and she takes a shaky breath. “I hurt you, Steve,” she whispers. “You and...you and James. I didn’t...I didn’t say…” she trails off, but he knows what she’s saying.

“I know why,” he replies softly. “I understand why, sweetheart.” He understands why she didn’t tell him she knew what she was running herself into. He would have stopped her, prevented her from going on that planet, and in any case, they wouldn’t have gotten the stone. They wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t have gotten everyone back and won if it weren’t for her, if it weren’t for her sacrifice.

She’s as much of a hero as Tony is for sacrificing her life.

“What I didn’t understand, Nat,” he continues slowly and quietly, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers gently. He’s still getting himself used to touching her, and he’s rememorizing again the feel of her touch under his skin, which of course wouldn’t be too hard. No matter how long it would take, he would  _ never _ forget her. He swallows his throat, swallowing down a sob forming in this throat, threatening to be released. “Is why you said it had to be  _ you _ .”

He knew that much, because Clint said that much, even if he didn’t say it outright. When it came to sacrificing one’s life for the other, Natasha would always put herself on the line willingly. It was always her mantra, always had been her way to go, but he never understood it, never  _ cared _ to ask, of course, not until he finally lost her.

“You know why, Steve,” she whispers, and the tears start falling from her eyes. He wraps his arms around her tightly, squeezing her hips lightly. “I had red in my ledger. I needed to wipe it out.” She smiles sadly. “My life for the lives of the many that I took.”

“Don’t you see, Nat,” he says softly, both hands raising to cup her face. “You’ve wiped the red off your ledger since Clint brought you in S.H.I.E.L.D., since you started dedicating your life to  _ save _ lives, since you became an Avenger,” He smiles sadly at her. “The red was wiped off since you gave birth to our son, and dedicated your life in loving him, and taking care of him...of loving and taking care of  _ me _ , of us, your family.” He presses a soft kiss on her forehead and she closes her eyes at the contact of his lips on her forehead. “You didn’t need to do anything more. You have done enough, sweetheart. You have done  _ wonderfully _ enough, especially now.”

Natasha’s lower lip quivers, and Steve leans down to press a soft kiss on her lips. “You trust me?” he asks softly, and she nods. “Yeah? D’you believe me when I say you’ve done it? Now, you’ve done it?”

She looks at his eyes, as if looking for any sign in his eyes if she should believe him, but all she sees is her husband’s genuine love for her, his eyes bright and shining just for her. She nods again, and he nods, and smiles. “You’ve done enough,” he whispers again, leaning down to kiss her softly on the lips. “You  _ are _ enough.”

Natasha wraps her arms around him in an embrace and she exhales. Steve wraps his arms around her waist, and rests his head against the side of hers. She looks up at the sky, and slowly smiles when she sees the clouds subsiding and the sun slowly appearing.

Steve looks up too, and he smiles. It’s a beautiful day, and it’s a beautiful day to mark yet another new beginning in their lives. When he pulls away a bit to look at his wife in his arms, he smiles wider, and she chuckles in response.

It’s a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more before we close this work! Hope you guys are still liking it so far. It’s gonna be sunshine and rainbows from here on out, I promise! (sort of)
> 
> Don’t forget to leave comments and kudos! And I hope the reviews we leave in this work (and others too) are all nice and constructive. Let’s all be nice to others ☀️


	9. Forgiveness—Can You Imagine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 09\. The one where they come home.

Steve and Natasha go home after the battle.

It was something Pepper whispered to Natasha when she embraced her after seeing how she was miraculously alive. “I’ll see you at home.” she said quietly, giving Natasha a smile despite the tears filling her eyes.

_ Home. _ The Starks’ cabin, she realized, where Tony, Pepper and Morgan had lived, is now their new home.

And it’s  _ not _ new per se, Natasha thinks, as home is really a matter of circumstance. And if there was anything Natasha had learned from all the years she had lived, it was that home wasn’t really the pile of rubble they stood over when they realized they had won. Home wasn’t really the Tower that held so many memories, held so many moments of the team bonding together, or of them raising their son together.

Home was never a place. Home was a feeling, a feeling she gets when she is with the people she loved.

And they were going home—Steve and Natasha are going home—to where their son is.

Natasha breathes out as she and Steve reach the cabin, and she feels her heart hammering against her chest. Steve never told her, but she didn’t need Steve to tell her that her little boy knew about her death. She knows James is old enough to understand the concept of life and death, old enough to understand that if someone dies, the person doesn’t normally (and she says  _ normally _ lightly) come back. She knows it probably devastated her little boy when Steve had to tell him she was gone, and that she might never come back. She knows how much she hurt him, how much pain she inflicted on her son when she decided to sacrifice herself off the cliff in Vormir. She knows all of these, is ready to ask for forgiveness from her son for all of these: for leaving him so suddenly, letting him think she was going away forever, and then suddenly coming back. It should be easy, right?

_ No, _ she doesn’t think so. Of course not. Because even if she thinks about all of those, she still doesn’t know how James would take it, all of it, all of her, and it makes her anxious.

“Hey,” Steve says softly, taking her gloved hand in his and squeezing it. Steve gives her a smile. “You okay?”

Natasha takes a deep breath again, and holds on to Steve’s hand as she nods. “Yeah,” she answers breathily. “Just...yeah, I’m okay.”

Steve looks down at their hands and down at his feet, and Natasha looks up at him. “He’ll be happy to see you, you know,” he tells her, and he smiles. “He’ll be happy to see you’re back.”

Of course, Steve can sense all of these.

“Come on.” Steve urges softly, tugging her hand as he leads her to the cabin. They walk up the steps, and hear murmurs inside. Natasha lets go of Steve’s hand, allowing him back inside first before she follows.

James is sitting on the couch with Morgan, and they are talking in hushed and silent voices. Pepper—and Rhodey, Peter, Thor and the rest who helped pick up Tony’s body—are nowhere to be found. In the living room, only the children are there, and when the door opens and Steve comes in first, the two children look up, and James immediately hops off the couch.

“Daddy!” Steve kneels down and extends his arms just in time to catch James in his arms. James buries his face in the crook of his father’s neck as Steve gently rubs James’ back. Natasha swallows down and tries to keep her breathing even as she steps in the cabin, and Morgan’s face lights up.

“Auntie Nat!” she exclaims, running over to her. Natasha smiles and lowers herself so she can embrace the girl, giving her a kiss on the side of her head. Natasha wonders if Morgan knew about her father, and wonders if that was what she and James are talking about, perhaps James advising Morgan on the things he felt when he found out about the loss of his mother.

But when Morgan exclaims her name, James lifts his head from his father’s shoulder, and Steve rests a hand on his back, as he watches James look at Natasha. His bottom lip quivers, the corners of his mouth pulled down as he watches Natasha pull away from Morgan, and meet her son’s eyes. James’ eyes start filling with tears, especially as their eyes meet and she turns to where James is.

“Hey, baby.” Natasha whispers, feeling her voice crack, and her throat constrict as the tears gather in her eyes. She tentatively extends her arms, as James takes a few tentative steps towards her.

“Mommy?” James asks in a small voice. He blinks, and the tears in his eyes fall down his cheeks, and he blinks again, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands, as if allowing himself to believe whether or not she is real, as he looks at Natasha. He blinks again, as more tears fill his eyes, and a small sob escapes his mouth.

Natasha has to hold back her sobs as she nods, and she feels a few tears fall from her eyes. “Yeah, Jamie,” she says softly. “It’s me. I’m here.”

James takes another step forward, allowing Natasha to rest her hands on either side of his face. James lets out another soft sob, as he tentatively lifts his hands to rest on Natasha’s cheeks. Upon contact, James whimpers softly, his frown deepening, his bottom lip shaking as more tears fall from his eyes. His hands roam around to touch Natasha’s hair, and rests on her eyelids.

He whimpers softly again, choking back the sob forming in his mouth as his hands move to poke her nose, and down to the corners of her mouth. Steve watches beside them, and Natasha just patiently watches her son’s expression, her heart breaking at every moment as his tears continue to fall, and at her son’s every attempt to choke back a sob that turns into soft whimpers.

When his hand lands on her lips, she presses a kiss on his palm, and it was enough for James to release his held-back sobs and wrap his small arms around Natasha’s neck as more tears start to flow from his eyes.

He sobs loudly as he pulls himself closer to Natasha, tugging her closer to him, as if any space between him and his mother is not allowed, as if the distance between them is still too far. Natasha is still greasy, sweaty from the battle, her suit covered in soot and dust from the fight, but she finds that James doesn’t care, as he continues to pull himself closer to his mother, with each pull intensifying the sobs coming from his mouth. 

Natasha embraces her son, and kisses the side of his head as she allows herself to shed a few tears of her own. Because when she feared that she would never hold her son again, let alone  _ see _ him ever again, there she was: holding her son in her arms again.

James sobs incoherently against Natasha’s neck, but she can make out the word “Mommy” from his sobs. “It’s okay,” Natasha says softly, holding her son closer to her, as she closes her eyes, allowing more tears to fall from her eyes. “It’s okay, Mommy’s here. Mommy’s back.”

There are more incoherent murmurs and sobs as Natasha sighs and opens her eyes to look at Steve. He gives her a sad smile and a nod, as he stands up and extends a hand to Morgan. The little girl looks up at his Uncle, then at James, and Steve explains to her patiently that she’ll be able to play with James later, so she takes his hand, and they proceed out of the living room. He turns to look at Natasha and she gives him a small smile and a nod, and he and Morgan disappear out of sight.

Natasha tries to pull away, but James just tugs her closer. “Hey, it’s okay,” she repeats softly. She feels her bones and muscles ache and constrict at their current position, but she pushes through, and positions James in her arms as she slowly stands, adjusting James on her hip as the little boy doesn’t let go of his mother. “Hey, Jamie, it’s okay.”

She walks over to the couch where the two children were earlier, and she kneels in front of it so she can sit James down on the couch. James whimpers when she tries to pull away, but she shushes him softly, her hands resting on his face as she kneels in front of James. He slowly lets go as his sobs slowly die down into small sniffles and soft cries. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, as Natasha moves her hands to slowly wipe the tears away gently from under his eyes using her thumbs.

Natasha smiles when she looks at James’ blue eyes that are still glistening with tears. James takes a few shaky breaths. “Daddy...Daddy said...you were...you were gone,” he says in a small voice that breaks in the end, in between shaky breaths and sobs, to which he tries to even out with his breaths. “Daddy said...Daddy said you were dead.”

“I was,” Natasha answers softly, not taking her hands off of either side of James’ face, her thumbs stroking his cheeks gently. “I was gone, and...I was dead, but I came back. I came back, so I can still be with you and Daddy.”

James sniffles and takes another shaky breath. “Wh-why did you leave?” he asks, the corners of his mouth pulling downwards again as a fresh wave of tears start filling his eyes again. “Why...why did you leave, Mommy?” he repeats, his voice breaking in the end.

Natasha feels her chest constrict and her heart ache. “Because a lot of people needed me, James,” she answers softly, trying to keep her voice even and her breaths constant. “I needed to go so a lot of people can come back. I needed to...I needed to go because a lot of people needed me to.”

A few tears fall from James’ eyes as his bottom lip quivers. “But I needed you too, Mommy,” he says. He takes a shaky breath and lets out a soft whimper. “Me and Daddy needed you too.” He lets out a choked sob. “Why did you leave when me and Daddy needed you too?”

And  _ God, _ did it hurt. It hurt enough to make Natasha’s heart break further into a million pieces. “I know, James,” Natasha answers, her voice breaking as tears fall from her eyes. She wipes James’ tears away using her thumbs brushing on his cheek gently. “I know, I know, and I’m sorry.” She takes a shaky breath as she lets out a choked sob. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry I left you and Daddy. I’m so sorry.”

Tears fall from James’ eyes again as he lets out a small sob. “But I’m here now,” Natasha says, sniffling as she evens her voice. “I’m here now, Mommy’s here now, and I’m not gonna leave.” She shakes her head as few more tears fall. “I’m not gonna leave anymore, okay?”

James sniffles and whimpers, as his frown deepens and his cheeks become more soaked with tears. “Even when a lot more people need you?” he asks in a small voice, and Natasha shakes her head.

“I’m not gonna leave anymore,” she promises softly. “Because only you and Daddy matter to me now, hm? Only you and Daddy can need me now, not anyone else anymore.”

“You promise?” James asks in a small voice, and Natasha nods, giving James a small smile.

“I promise. I promise, Jamie,” she responds softly. She takes a shaky breath. “Will you ever forgive me?”

James’ bottom lip quivers as he nods and wraps his arms again around his mother’s neck, pulling himself closer to her. She embraces him and takes him in her arms as she slowly stands, adjusting him again on her hip as they walk over to their usual guest room in the Starks’ cabin. She shushes softly, rubbing James’ back gently when she feels her neck getting soaked again from warm tears, and James’ back lifting irregularly along with his breaths and soft whimpers.

_ I needed you too, Mommy. _ James’ words keep on ringing in her head.  _ Me and Daddy needed you too. _ Her chest constricts at each moment she remembers it, as each time she hears his words in her head, she can feel her heart breaking down further into a million more pieces. She thought she knew how devastated James was, how he probably had taken the news of her death, but what she thought did not compare to what it actually was, and what it actually  _ was _ is heartbreaking, beyond what she can ever think of, nor imagine.

And she begins to think about what she did, what her sacrifice had meant, and what it resulted in to. She knows enough to say that what she did was necessary, that what she did saved millions of people’s lives, mended the hearts of millions more who had lost the people they loved five years ago. She knows what she did was good; what she did was supposed to be an act of redemption, a guiltless act meant for the greater good of the universe.

But when it comes down to her family and the universe...as Natasha hears James’ earlier words in her head:  _ Why did you leave when me and Daddy needed you too?, _ she allows herself to be selfish, as she begins to think if the sacrifice, and the lives she helped saved, was worth leaving the two most important people in her life who needed her so much as she needed them. She begins to think if the sacrifice she made was worth breaking the hearts of her family. Even when she did what was necessary, if she had not come back, had it  _ really _ been worth it?

Had it really been worth all the heartbreak she had put in on her son and her husband?

She sits down on the edge of the bed, removes her boots with her feet, propping and stretching them on the bed, and leans on the headboard as she adjusts James so his face is still buried in the crook of her neck. She presses a kiss on his head and rubs his back gently with her hand, and she continues doing so until she feels James’ breaths slowly calm down and even out. She pulls away slightly to look at James, and her son moves to rest his head on her chest, on top of where he can hear her heart, and she watches fondly as she sees his eyes slowly flutter.

Steve comes in their bedroom, and she looks up and smiles as he enters. Steve gives her a soft smile too, and sighs as he closes the door. He doesn’t say anything, but he watches as James wraps his arms around Natasha’s torso, cuddling himself closer to her.

Steve unzips his suit and changes into a cleaner shirt and a new pair of sweatpants from one of the bags inside the room. He gets himself on the bed and sits beside Natasha and James. “You can change,” he says softly. “Grab one of my shirts for the meantime, I’ll take James.” She nods, but when she attempts to pull herself away from her son, James whimpers and cuddles himself further closer to Natasha.

“Hey, little guy,” Natasha soothes, pressing a kiss on her son’s hair. “Mommy has to change first, okay? It’ll just be a while.”

But James clings to her more, whimpering as he looks up at her, and her heart breaks when she sees his eyes wide and filling with tears again, as if pleading her not to let him go, even just for that moment. Natasha looks at Steve, and her heart breaks all over again when she sees his eyes that had tears of his own as he watches his wife and son embrace tearily. Natasha figures James didn’t care if her suit was all dusty and greasy, or Natasha smells with sweat and soot—what mattered is that his mother, whom he thought would be forever gone had come back.

She looks back at Steve and smiles sadly. “Maybe later.” she says softly. Steve nods, and rubs James’ back gently as he pulls himself closer to his wife and son, pressing a kiss on the side of Natasha’s head, before she rests it on his shoulder.

And so she relents to just embracing her son back, pressing soft kisses on his hair, whispering how much he loves him, as she allows Steve to hold her close as well, alternating between pressing a kiss on her head and rubbing her other arm as he wraps an arm around her to pull her close. Natasha eventually relents to humming a soft lullaby, one that she used to sing to James since he was still a baby, and it soothes him to slumber until he eventually falls asleep.

She presses a kiss on the side of his head, as he lays him down on their bed. James doesn’t let go even as he sleeps, instinctively clinging closer to Natasha, so Steve helps her out of her suit to change in one of his shirts that are three sizes bigger than her. He presses a kiss on James’ hair, and on Natasha’s head, and Natasha turns to kiss him properly on the lips.

“You okay?” Steve asks quietly, and Natasha nods as she lays her head on the pillow beside James.

“Yeah, we’re okay.” she responds softly, smiling as she pulls James closer, her eyes training back on the peaceful expression on James’ face as he sleeps. Steve watches as Natasha runs her hand through James’ hair, as he strokes his cheek gently, not allowing herself to leave her hand off of her son.

And as Steve watches the intimacy, the normalcy of his family unfold in front of his eyes, he is reminded, once again, of how real she is, how present she is now, and how thankful he will forever be. He lays his head on the pillow and wraps an arm around both her son and wife, his hand resting on the small of Natasha’s back, pulling them closer to him.

That night, their son slept between his parents, cuddling closer to his mother’s warmth, a few unconscious tears slipping from his closed eyes. Steve falls asleep after James does, his son and wife—his complete family—safe and cuddled in his arms. For that night, he feels complete. For that night, he feels peaceful.

But Natasha doesn’t sleep, as she continues to watch her son, and does her best to wipe the silent and unconscious tears away from James’ eyes. She busies herself that night by murmuring loving words to him as he cuddles and pulls himself closer to his mother. Steve never told her what he was like when Steve told him Natasha had died, but she can only imagine it would have been close to this. It was the most heartbreaking impact Natasha had realized she had put in her son.

_ I’m not gonna leave anymore,  _ she promises silently to herself, and to James and Steve as she watches her boys fall asleep peacefully beside her. It’s the same promise she said aloud to James, the same promise she implied when she and Steve had reunited earlier that day.

_ Only James and Steve matter, only James and Steve can ever need me now, _ she says it to herself, convinces it to herself, allows herself to promise it to herself. She sighs, and closes her eyes, allowing the physical and emotional fatigue of the day wash over her, as she allows herself to fall asleep. She doesn’t let the pain linger any longer, the questions and guilt she had of leaving, she allows it to dissipate for tonight.

Because what matters is that she is home. She’s at home. She opens her eyes to take one last look at James and Steve, and she allows herself a small smile.

She is home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to add an epilogue after the supposed last chapter after this one. Wonder what it could be?
> 
> Hope you guys liked this update! Comments, reviews much appreciated, and don't forget to share it to your friends. Also, don't forget to be nice to everyone! ☀️


	10. The State of Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10\. The one where Natasha hears she is free.

Natasha had been well aware of the impact her death had with the people around her.

Bruce and Thor gave her bone-crushing hugs after the battle, when Tony’s body was taken by Pepper and Rhodey, both of them expressing their relief, amidst tears for Tony’s passing, that Natasha had come back so miraculously. Bruce shed a few tears when he embraced her, and Natasha whispered a quick thank you for bringing her back.

“We wanted you to come back,” Bruce told her softly. “When I snapped, you were one of the first I thought of and willed to come back.”

Thor didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to. He embraced her for so long, and only let go when he felt Clint’s hand rest on his arm, her best friend’s eyes filled with tears, the corners of his mouth tugging downward. Thor gave Natasha one last smile before walking off, giving the two best friends their space.

“Tasha,” Clint whispered, and Natasha took two steps forward to embrace her best friend, as Clint cried on her shoulder. He let out a sob, and Natasha ran a hand on his back gently as she let out a soft choked sob, embracing Clint tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tash, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “It’s okay, Clint, I’m here.”

Of course, the same impact had been true for James, and most especially for Steve as well. Steve had been unable to leave her side, unable to turn his eyes away from her as if he’s still convincing himself that she’s here, and she is back for good. She would kiss him when she would catch him still watching her, tears filling in his eyes and assure him that she was there, that she is real, but even then, he would only cry harder, embrace her tighter, and kiss her more desperately.

“I thought you were gone, Nat,” he cried during her second night back. They were staying in one of the Starks’ guest rooms (they didn’t want to leave Pepper and Morgan, and Natasha was doing her best to help out with Pepper about all the proper funeral processes and death certificates when she learned about what she did for her funeral), with James asleep in the next room with Morgan. “And I couldn’t...I couldn’t do it.”

“I’m here now,” she whispered back, running her fingers through his hair, and clutching his shirt to pull him closer to her. “And I’m not going anywhere, not anymore.”

It broke her heart, how much she had caused pain to both her husband and her son, and the people she considered as part of her family as well. She vowed never to inflict such pain in her family again.

And she’d been all too hyper fixated and overly sensitive to how her death affected the others, so focused on how she’d make up to them to fix their grief, that she overlooked how  _ she _ was affected by her own death. The trauma of falling off a cliff and dying, still so fresh even after a few days of resurrection, haunts her every night. In Steve’s arms, she would sob silently, careful not to wake her husband when she’s startled by a nightmare of her jumping over the cliff once again. She would not allow her body to shake, and force her breathing to steady, and dry her tears so there wouldn’t be a trace of it the next morning when Steve would wake up, or in the instance that Steve would wake up from his nightmare of losing her.

She’d put enough pain in her family, she couldn’t afford to put more, so she hadn’t talked about it. Not even to Clint, not even to Steve. Even after Tony’s funeral that followed two days after the battle, she never talked about it.

Not until one night.

She started gasping for air when she woke up, gasping when she felt her own blood fill her mouth and she couldn’t breathe. She felt the rocks under her body, how it crushed every bone inside her as well. She felt the rock hit her skull, and her head throbbed, that even as she woke, she felt the pain that was real inside her head.

“Hey,” Steve whispers beside her when she was still gasping, her eyes wide and filled with tears, as if she was scared, and she  _ was _ . “It’s okay.” She lets out a choked sob as she continues to gasp, one hand clutching her chest. Steve holds her, pulling her closer to his chest as he sits up against the headboard of their bed, shushing her and whispering to her. “It’s okay, sweetheart, just breathe, okay? Just breathe.”

She couldn’t, and she lets out a soft sob. “Just breathe, breathe with me, alright?” She feels Steve’s firm chest on her back, felt it rise and fall as he breathes, inhaling through his nose, and exhaling loudly through his mouth. His hand rests on hers over her chest, threading their fingers together to give her a hand a light squeeze. She follows suit to his breathing as much as she can. “That’s right, you’re doing it. Come on, just a few more, Nat.” She follows again, and holds on to his voice, and lets it anchor her before she can feel herself drowning again.

Drowning and choking in her own blood, her body crushed into pieces, like how she  _ actually _ died in Vormir.

And when she closes her eyes, she can still see the planet, the purple stormy sky and the grey and cloudy pit below where she fell. She can still see Clint’s pained expression, even hear him scream for her name as his figure decreases in size, as she falls further and faster into the pit.

“It’s okay,” Steve whispers again, mirroring the same words she told Clint before she pushed herself against the edge of the chasm. She chokes out a sob, and Steve shushes her quietly. “You’re here, Nat. You’re here, you’re with me, you’re with your family now.”

_ Her family. “Natasha, daughter of Ivan.” _ Who was he? Her family. Her family she never had the privilege of knowing, let alone remembering. She never had the privilege to know who Ivan Romanoff was, but  _ he _ did. The guardian of the stone did.

She believed she was with him,  _ Ivan _ , Ivan and her mother whose name was never uttered, and whose name she cannot remember. _ Alena, she thinks _ . She visited their graves once, but the letters were faded, barely readable. She reunited with them momentarily before she found herself in the planet again, where a man with a red cape introduced herself as Doctor Strange, and brought her into the battle against Thanos.

Steve presses a kiss on her temple as she takes a final deep breath, and her breathing evens out again. She leans against his chest, resting her head against his, and closes her eyes. His hands don’t untangle with hers, and she feels her own heart beating against her chest.

She’s alive. She’s here. She has been brought back.

She’s alright.

“Nightmares?” Steve murmurs against her ear, and she feels herself nodding. “Is it about Thanos?”

She shakes her head, and she felt Steve pause momentarily against her back. He presses another kiss on her hair. “Is it about the Soul Stone?” he asks softly, almost too fearfully.

But she nods, and his grip around her waist tightens.

“Let’s go to sleep.” Natasha urges softly, but Steve only stays her put. He adjusts himself so he is sitting in front of her, his arms still wound tightly around her waist. He brings a hand up to wipe with his thumb her tears that are falling from her eyes. 

“Tell me,” he tells her softly, almost too pleadingly it’s painful to hear. He runs his fingers through her hair, bringing her closer to rest his forehead against hers. “Tell me so I can understand, so I can help.”

She wants to. God, she  _ wants _ to tell him, but she can’t. So Natasha shakes her head. “You can’t, Steve, you don’t…” she trails off, sniffling. “You don’t understand.”

Steve gives her a sad smile. “I may, I may not, but I’ll do my best,” he tells her softly. “Talk to me, Nat.”

And so she tells him anyway, from the day she knew from their discussions of the Soul Stone, to her resolve of being the one to sacrifice herself instead, as a consequence of her knowing it first, and so as to absolve herself as well from the sins she had committed by giving her life to save the universe. She tells him of the beautiful flight on the way to Vormir, how beautiful the galaxy was, and the stars and the colors, and how fortunate she was that it was one of the last things she saw before dying. She tells him of Vormir, of its violet and stormy sky, and of the hooded figure who had uttered her father’s name even when she didn’t.

Then she tells him of the fight between him and Clint, and tells him of the fall. She tells him all her thoughts while falling, how it was painless because all she remembered were him and James, and all she heard were his voice and James’ laugh. She tells him how she woke up in the waters of the same planet, and how Doctor Strange had brought her back to Earth where the battle of Thanos had occurred, where she saw him standing alone with his broken shield, still fearless in front of Thanos’ army.

She tells him about her internal struggle of regretting what she did or not. It hurt her, leaving her family behind, but knew right away that it was a way for her to completely wipe the red off her ledger for good—by sacrificing her life in the exchange of many. The lives exchanged were probably as many as she took—a fair retribution to achieve forgiveness and freedom. But she tells him,  _ asks _ and implores him if the universe was worth breaking the hearts of the people she loves the most. Steve presses a kiss on her forehead as his response holding her tightly in his arms.

And finally, she tells him how it feels like to relive the memory over and over again, and still unconsciously feel the physical pain from it all even until now. She tells him she doesn’t want to disturb him, nor tell him about her nightmares because she  _ knows _ that it’s over, and she  _ knows _ that they’ve won, and that they’d been lucky she even lived again. They’ve won, she said, so what was the point of relieving the memory? But she does so, subconsciously, every night since she came back.

By the end, she was crying, and so was he. He pulls her close to him and holds her against his chest, stroking her hair lovingly and gently as he presses his lips on her hair. She clutches to his chest and she sobs, as he murmurs loving words to her, because it  _ is _ the least he can do to ebb those nightmares away, apart from listening to her and telling her that she’s safe now, because she  _ is _ , because she’s not going anywhere anymore, and he’s going to do everything he can to protect her, protect her and James.

“I’m sorry.” she whispers, and Steve shakes her head, pressing a kiss on her head, and pulling away to press a kiss on both of her cheeks, on the tip of her nose, and on her lips, as he caresses the side of her face lovingly.

“No,” Steve whispers, kissing her again on the lips once more, twice more. “Don’t be sorry anymore, Nat.” He whispers, pressing yet another kiss on her lips. “You did what you had to be done, and we won because of it. And so did you. You  _ won _ because of it.”

Natasha whimpers against his mouth as she runs her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to her to kiss him on the mouth. “You know what we used to call it, you know, back in my day?” he asks, an attempt to lighten the mood, and Natasha’s mouth quirked upwards. “A state of grace. A state of grace, sweetheart, a state of freedom and forgiveness and bliss,” Steve says softly. “You’re in it now, that state of grace.” He smiles down at her and presses a soft and longer kiss on her lips. “It’s over. You’re free now, and you can live. You can live, and that’s all that matters now.”

A state of grace—a state where one becomes free of their sin, free of their mistakes that haunt them every night when they close their eyes, free of their past that haunts them, free of the monsters in their heads and ghosts under their beds. She’s in a state of grace. She smiles up at her husband as more tears flow, but he kisses them away.

_ I am forgiven, _ she thinks, thinking of the words Steve had told her. _ I am free, I can live, and it’s all that matters now _ .

She smiles as she lays her head back on Steve’s chest, and listens to his beating heart.  _ I am in a state of grace. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a short one as compared to the rest, but I just want to kind of give Natasha a sort of closure for her experience in Vormir. It's not as dramatic as the previous chapters, but I hope you guys still like it!
> 
> We're down to the last one in a few! And don't forget to comment down what you think ☀️


	11. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11\. The one where six years have passed.

“Mommy.”

Natasha lays a hand on Pepper’s arm and pauses to look at the source of that light familiar voice that still makes her heart flutter, a wide smile forming on her lips when she sees Steve walking up to them with a little toddler girl in his arms. Said little girl is rubbing her eyes with her small closed fist, her blonde curly hair still mussed from her late morning nap (because said little girl had been awake so early in the morning to play with her Daddy when he came home from his early morning run).

Pepper smiles, too, when the little girl smiles sleepily and extends her arms to Natasha, who takes her in her arms, pressing a soft kiss on the side of her head, on the tip of her little nose, and on both of her cheeks, as she does with her children. “Little Miss is getting big already,” Pepper says softly, rubbing the little girl’s back gently as the toddler rests her head on Natasha’s shoulder, her arms wrapping around Natasha’s neck. Natasha pulls her in closer to her chest, resting a hand on the little girl’s back. “Time flies fast, hm?”

Natasha chuckles, and she looks up when Steve wraps an arm around her, pulling her closer to press a kiss on the side of her head. “Don’t let Steve hear that, especially when it comes to _ this _ particular Little Miss.” she says, one hand running up to the toddler’s hair, combing it with her fingers. Pepper laughs softly and shakes her head, while Steve smiles sheepishly.

“So protective of the little girl already?” Pepper teases. “I’d hate to be her when she turns fourteen and boys start lining up for her.” Steve frowns at this, and Natasha laughs softly, leaning to press a kiss on Steve’s cheek, making the frown fade into a small smile. Pepper smiles at this and takes a step closer to smooth the toddler’s mussed blonde hair as well. “Which will be inevitable because look at her, she’s just _ beautiful _.”

Steve then smiles brightly and nods. “She takes after Nat, doesn’t she?” Steve asks, resting a hand on the little girl’s back. “I think the only thing she got from me is her blonde hair, but I’m not complaining, though.” He grins and Natasha chuckles, inching herself closer to her husband as she presses another kiss on the toddler’s hair.

“You’re lucky Sarah’s hair didn’t go strawberry blonde, else I’d say you’re losing the genes challenge with your children, Steve,” Pepper says, and Steve laughs. “Except with James, though, he’s got all _ your _ eyes and features. It’s more seen now that he’s growing.”

Natasha frowns slightly, and Steve laughs softly when he notices this. “Oh now, don’t mention _ that _ to Nat. James may be a teenager now, but he’s still Nat’s baby boy,” he teases, squeezing Natasha’s hip. “Though I don’t think the worry is as intense as before. She has Joe as her new baby boy now.”

“James is still my baby boy,” Natasha says, frowning. “Both James and Joe are.” She clutches Sarah closer to her chest and Steve chuckles, pressing a kiss on top of her head.

Sarah’s head lifts at the mention of both of her brothers’ names, and Steve smiles. “Wanna go play with Jamie and Joey, baby?” he asks, and the toddler nods, smiling.

“Oh they’re all outside with Morgan and the rest,” Pepper says, smiling. “Come on, they’d be excited when they see Sarah woke up, Morgan especially.”

“Hear that, baby? Morgan is here too.” Natasha says softly, and the toddler squeals, her smile, and her green eyes wide and sparkling and she starts squirming from her mother’s arms, wanting to be put down. So Natasha sets the toddler down on the floor on her feet and takes her small hand. They walk slowly, Sarah holding both her parents’ hands as she toddles slowly, and they follow Pepper out towards the backyard of their house, where the rest of their guests are.

It’s been six years since the battle against Thanos. Six years since they got everyone else who was snapped to dust back to life, six years since they saved the universe from a far worse fate than what they experienced five years prior to that battle, six years since Natasha had died and was brought back to life, and of course, six years since their dearest friend and teammate, Tony, offered his life to save the universe from said worse fate.

It was a sacrifice they would forever remember, and will forever be grateful for.

They made it an annual thing—all of them coming together to spend the whole day together, catching up with one another’s lives, spending time with one another’s presence, no talks of business or missions or anything, just them being a normal team and a normal family commemorating, though, a rather un-normal event, which is their victory over a mad titan. Their get-together has always been set on the day after the battle’s anniversary, so as to leave the anniversary itself as a day to remember and commemorate Tony’s death. The first time they got together, it was mostly just so they can show their own love and support to Pepper, thus spending their first two annual get-togethers in the cabin. But as time passes, and Pepper didn’t need that much comfort anymore (she’s a strong woman, stronger than any one of them can take her credit for), it simply just became a get-together to commemorate one another’s presence, an event where they can be thankful for having these people part of their lives. It was then they decided to change their venues for a symbolic change of pace as well.

And so the last four get-togethers were spent in the Rogers’ new house in the suburbs. Steve and Natasha found it and bought it a month after the battle, when he fulfilled his last mission by returning the stones properly in its own timelines. He also officially fulfilled his promise to James that he’ll be retiring from the Captain America life as he passed on the shield to Sam, thus marking his retirement as a hero. Natasha made her retirement official as well when Steve did (her death made her retirement _ very _ clear, but her comeback kind of voided the attempt at retirement so she made another official announcement), though both promised to still help as much as they can, most especially when Maria decided to, yet again, reestablish a stronger S.H.I.E.L.D., this time with Carol’s help in rebuilding the new Avengers.

Steve fulfilled his promise to Natasha of expanding their family once the dust had finally settled, starting, of course, with his stint of finding a big suburban house. Three months into their new life, Natasha found out she was already five weeks pregnant, and James couldn’t have been more thrilled, much less so when, later, they found out they were having a boy. Little Joseph Ivan Rogers was born five years ago, his hair red and his eyes a deep sea green, looking more like Natasha rather than Steve, and he celebrated his fifth birthday just a month ago as well. Everybody was thrilled for the new addition to their family, and James had quickly fallen in love with his new brother, with the two becoming close almost too immediately as James became the protective big brother to his brother.

Then exactly two years ago, Natasha announced her third pregnancy, and everyone was once again thrilled by the new addition to the Rogers family (Clint had come up to Steve right after the announcement, musing how serious he was when he talked to Natasha about expanding the family, and Steve blushed furiously while Natasha just laughed). In January of last year, they welcomed their daughter, Sarah Alena Rogers, a blonde baby who is the spitting image of Natasha. Her brothers loved her dearly, Joseph especially, and he would act as the big protective brother to little Sarah. James, too, of course, but he splits his attention equally to both his siblings, protecting them and playing with them as much as he can, as equally as he can. Steve is extra protective of her, of course, because she’s Daddy’s little girl (and because she looks _ so _ much like Natasha, Steve just can’t stop himself from immediately being captivated by his daughter), when both James and Joseph are both Mommy’s boys.

And beyond their small family, everyone else loved the two additions to the family, with the kids forming special bonds with one another. Morgan especially loved Sarah, having been relieved to have another girl she can play with apart from Lila who is starting to grow out of playing games, and in turn, Sarah would squeal and lighten up whenever she would hear Morgan’s name, or see Morgan’s face (and to be fair, Morgan does the same thing whenever she sees Sarah). Cooper, who had loved James since meeting him, also loved Joseph as much as Nathaniel does too.

Sam had spoiled James since meeting him, and Bucky would butt in, bragging about how he knew about James since even before Sam met him (“We were both in the same team, Barnes, and you and I both dusted, so we knew about the kid for the same amount of time.” Sam had argued.). Wanda had immediately fallen in love with Joseph, making her one of the most frequent visitors in the Rogers’ homestead just so she can help Natasha take care of Joseph especially when he was still a baby. Pepper spoiled Sarah since Natasha asked her to be their daughter’s godmother, and that in itself probably contributed to why Morgan loved Sarah so much as well since she sees her as her little sister too.

And now on their sixth year of getting together, everyone is here, and Natasha still can’t help a small grin when she sees all of them. Wanda is holding little Joseph in her arms, sitting under the shade of a tree as they laugh while watching James, Cooper, Morgan and Lila run around the backyard, throwing and chasing a frisbee (although _ none _ of the adults can actually believe it, but Morgan is actually the youngest of them four, with her being eleven, close to twelve years old, and the eldest being Cooper who is now eighteen, but is still apparently enjoying his time with the younger kids). Nathaniel is sitting beside them, content with sitting beside Wanda and Joseph just watching the older kids play, laughing along with them as he watches attentively too.

Bucky and Sam are by the barbecue bickering while Rhodey and Clint watch them amusingly, cold beer bottles in their hands, and each of them contributing to whatever Bucky and Sam are fighting about if only to add more to fuel their otherwise friendly bickering. Maria and Carol are talking to Thor and Valkyrie, both relaying stories of their space adventures, the two women laughing loudly at how Valkyrie would often correct Thor when he would start exaggerating their battles and adventures.

“There you guys are,” Laura says, coming out of the dining area, drying her hands with the washcloth. Her smile widens when she sees Sarah in between Natasha and Steve. “And look who’s finally awake! Hello, little girl.”

Sarah giggles bouncing on her feet as Laura chuckles, crouching to give the toddler a kiss on her forehead. “Ready to play with the other kids, hm?” she asks, and she stands up to look at the three adults. “The pasta’s ready, but the pie is still baking, so it’ll be another fifteen minutes. I think the boys are almost done with the barbecue too.”

“I’ll come help,” Pepper offers, smiling. She then looks at Steve and Natasha. “You go outside, get some fresh air. We got this.”

“Are you sure? I mean I could—” Natasha says, picking up Sarah and ready to give her to Steve, but the toddler squirms and groans, pouting at her mother.

“Nat, we got this,” Laura tells her softly, laughing. “Now you both, go out to our friends and socialize, and bring your daughter over to her playmates.”

Natasha sighs but smiles and presses her lips on Sarah’s cheek. Sarah looks at her mother with wide green eyes, her lower lip sticking out. She’s stopped squirming, but it’s clear in her expression that she wants to go out with her parents, and to the other kids already.

“Mommy, Daddy, out.” Sarah prods softly, her pout deepening and eyes widening, and Natasha and Steve laugh softly. Steve leans to give Sarah’s blonde hair a kiss, and Natasha smiles at her daughter.

“Alright,” she replies softly. She presses a quick kiss on Sarah pout, and the toddler blinks and giggles in her arms. She does it again, and Sarah begins to laugh softly, resting her head back on Natasha’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around her mother’s neck. Natasha looks at her two friends. “Fine, alright, but if you need me—”

“We won’t,” Pepper answers with a grin. “Now _ go _.”

Natasha chuckles and shakes her head as she watches her two friends disappear back into the kitchen. She looks up at her husband who’s smiling at her, and her heart still manages to flip at the sight of it. One would think that years of being married to Steve would allow her to get used to the sight of him smiling, but she always manages to just fall in love each and every time she sees him do so.

This man managed to turn her life around thirteen years ago, making her life the best one she’d ever dreamt of having. He had loved her, loved her enough for her to strive to be the best person she can be, and enough to give her a wonderful and beautiful family. She still had no idea what she could have possibly done in her life to deserve a man like Steve in her life, but whatever it was, it must have been good, and everyday since they got together, she never stopped thanking her lucky stars for allowing her to spend the rest of her life with a good man like him.

“Hey,” Steve says soothingly, and she blinks her eyes, realizing she’s been looking at him the entire time. He smiles and tucks some of her hair behind her ear, his hand falling to rest on the back of her head. “What are you thinking?”

How she managed to kick from the edge of the chasm six years ago from Clint’s tight grasp and fall into the pit of an unknown planet, knowing that she risked losing him, losing the chance of witnessing James grow up, losing the possibility of having Joseph and Sarah, she would never know. She would _ never _ understand. She still remembered it, even until this day, sometimes she’d still have nightmares about it, and she would cry about it, about how _ real _ it was that she almost lost the chance of their new life together.

But Steve would hold her, and the nightmares would fade with every kiss he gives her, and every murmur of his declaration of love. And she would focus instead on the life that they’re building, and the family that they’re raising, and she would find herself feeling lucky once again.

What had she done to deserve this?

She smiles up at him. “Nothing,” she answers softly. He frowns slightly, and she laughs softly, shaking her head. “Just thinking about lucky we are.”

“I don’t think _ luck _ can begin to cover it,” he replies, leaning to press a chaste kiss on her lips. “But lucky can work too.”

Natasha hums, leaning up again to kiss him, longer and deeper this time. “Lucky can work,” she repeats softly, and Steve smiles down at her. “Thank you, Steve, for...for everything, for _ this _.”

“Don’t have to thank me,” Steve tells her, wrapping both his arms around her waist, pulling her closer, but still careful not to crush Sarah between them. “You know all of this is you too, you know, this life, _ our _ family, our kids...”

“I know,” she answers, chuckling. “I remember each instance of their births _ quite _ vividly.” Steve laughs and Natasha grins. “But still, I just...thank you. For all of this.”

Steve smiles, his beautiful smile that makes her heart do flips again as if it was the first time she’d ever fallen in love with him. He leans down again to kiss her. “I love you.” he murmurs against her mouth, and she hums, smiling against his mouth as she kisses back.

“I love you too.” she replies softly, pulling away. Steve presses a kiss on the tip of her nose and on her forehead and smiles down at her, before he looks back at their backyard, where the rest of their family are. He smiles when he sees them too, most especially when he sees his two boys, with Joseph now standing up as he’s being pulled up by his brother who is grinning widely at him.

He looks back at his wife. “You ready?” he asks softly, and Natasha nods.

“Yeah.” she answers, and her smile widens as she lets out a chuckle. Steve furrows his eyebrows, but a smile finds its way to his mouth.

“What?”

“I just remembered,” Natasha says, chuckling softly still. “You promised James would have one brother and two sisters.” She smiles. “He only has one of each now.”

“What, you think we’re done?” Steve teases, and Natasha laughs. “I’m just giving us time, sweetheart. Enjoy Sarah while she’s little, still.”

“Joey wasn’t that little when we had this little princess,” Natasha says, raising an eyebrow as she kisses Sarah’s blonde hair. “Why not have another one?”

“Oh, and _ I’m _the excited one?” he teases and Natasha grins. Steve shakes his head and chuckles softly, pressing a kiss on her lips. “We have all the time in the world, sweetheart. I’ll keep that promise.” Natasha smiles and leans up to kiss him again on the lips.

And true enough, on their tenth year of get-together, Natasha is holding little three-month-old Samantha Alianovna Rogers in her arms—little Ally, as Sarah calls her (“We can’t call her Sammie, because that’s like calling Uncle Sam too!” the little girl argued, and Sam snickered, marking the day where it became _his _ turn to brag to Bucky that Steve and Natasha named their kid after him. “My name was picked first.” Bucky argued back.). Sarah hovers around her mother and little sister, stopping in front of them as she grins widely when the baby, who shares the same blonde hair as her sister and father, opens her blue eyes that mirror her eldest brother’s and her father’s as well.

James takes his seat beside his mother, pressing a kiss on the side of her head as Natasha smiles at her eldest son, his own smile wide at his newest sister. Joseph takes his position on Natasha’s other side, mirroring the same actions his brother did, and Natasha smiles at him, too. She takes the time to kiss both her sons’ cheeks, Sarah’s forehead and Ally’s small nose before she looks up at Steve and smiles. He smiles back at her, his smile wide and beautiful, and full of love for their family.

“Promises, am I right?” Steve whispers, and Natasha laughs softly, looking down at the newest addition to their family gurgling in her arms, then back up at her two sons beside her and her eldest daughter in front of them.

Years had passed since the decimation, since the disbandment of the team, since her experience in Vormir and since the final battle with Thanos. Years had passed, and still she felt like she would never get over how she could have missed this—_ having _ this, this family, with her husband and their four beautiful children. But in those years, she also had been nothing but grateful, grateful for this chance, for this family and for this life.

She promised to live a good life when she was brought in to S.H.I.E.L.D. all those many years ago, promised to live differently and clear off the red on her ledger. It took a long time for her to figure out how, accept that the good she had made out of her life—saving people as an Avenger, marrying the love of her life and raising their wonderful children—had been enough, _ more _ than enough. It took her almost losing her life completely for her to realize that she had achieved a state of grace and forgiveness, of newness and normalcy.

Years ago, she promised to be good, and lead a good life. As she looks at her four children, all of them with hearts as good and pure as angels, all of them beautiful and loving and perfect; and as she looks at her husband, who looks at her like she is his whole universe, whose heart is as pure and strong and loving since the day they met, she felt like she fulfilled the promise. She felt like she led a good life, and like Steve said, she was only just beginning.

_ You did good, Natalia. _ She smiles widely. _ You did very good. _

** _THE END_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with me until the end of State of Grace! It had been an emotional ride but I do hope you enjoyed it and loved it still. Check out my other ongoing work, "After Running (I'm Coming Home)", a series of oneshots for the Rogers family. You are also welcome to leave prompts there if you want too!
> 
> And please stay tuned for more of my works! I'm working on lots of new ones, and I will be uploading a new work very very soon, so I hope you still stay with me then. Thanks again, everyone!


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